Monday, June 16, 2008

Size Matters

Especially for us who grew up in the Fun House, size is a matter of time. It's a little tricky, even more when you're in a new group and you're expected to form bonds of some kind. For some reason, I'm prone to going way too fast in opening my heart, embarassing as it is to admit (and even more to BE), and very slow in finding my true size within groups with people of different sizes. A matter of adjusting. Therefore, potentially not so simple and definetely not so quick to learn.

Last night, I joined a Gestalt therapy group for gay men born from within my yoga and meditation group. My very first group therapy experience ever, and my first profound community experience in a considerable time and another language. In a situation like this, the ancient voices of trainings and conditionings rise their volumes higher than the size you currently believe you have. I've been spending a day and two nights now worried about things I might have said or not said, how I might have performed, and, of course, what the guys there think about me now. Basically, quests for the Fun House mirrors of my childhood.

"They are many, you are only one." For adults back then, wisdom and truth was a matter of quantity, you see. "You need them, they don't need you." And seeking to be part of the larger quantity was the purpose, spice and meaning of life. "You have to please them." Yes, they DID say that in these exact words, but in Portuguese.

In perfect harmony with Natural and Universal Laws, that evening we had a trance journey to visit a statue that was us, become that statue and then learn and absorb lessons from them. As I shifted back to flesh and bones, my statue had given me the blessings of growing in size, deep peace and a veil of water all over as an non-oversized protection.

Then again, it all comes down to time. You're usually growing larger all the time, you just cannot see it because the nature of growth is going big then smaller, then big again and then a little bit smaller, and so on until you're big for good. When you're not growing, something is out of Order.

If you can't believe that, fake you are a Giant. If all you know is the Fun House, then just look for the swimsuit shop mirror, not the rearview.

For the Order, the good guys back in the Fun House and the Giant in all of us, here's Melissa Etheridge's groovy theme "Giant" serving as the Red Thread for so many heroes, giants, jerks and distorted mirrors:

Image: My fiancee and me on a mirror somewhere in Salamanca. March '08.