Dedication

I've been working intensely with aligning my Triple Soul and letting go of complexes and blocks for the past seven years. Now, on Brighid, I resolve to embark on a further spiritual journey with Tantra. After reading and experiencing it with a couple of partners, I have decided that it is just what I need as the next natural step in my personal path, since it complements so well my desire to be fully possessed by my Godself and let my awareness merge with my spark of Divine Consciousness, and helps me completely merge my Aetheric Double with my Shining Egg, as true Ke Kino Wailua (the body of two waters).

I have begun practicing the Bhuta Shuddhi ritual this week. The name means "Purification of the Elements", and it is a core and advanced rite for the true Tantric adept. So far, I am still training myself to remember the elements, area and bija mantra of each chakra as I go up the ladder to pure consciousness and back to full-blown physicality again. Soon, I'll incorporate the corresponding senses and actions for each center, too, and finally visualise each chakra in its shape, symbol and colour. By then, when I climb all the way up to the Sit of Chit, I will have learned the true way to possession.

I have never ceased to be on a spiritual roll, not even when I was on an apparent hiatus. Each time I'm done with a stage, the new step miraculously shows up and invites me to climb. It is a good thing I haven't allowed money-hungry, retarded, confused losers exercise authority over my path.

On to the next stage now. All by my Self, and guided by Spirit.

30 vs 40

I've stopped blogging about Saturn's Return and the cycle with professional drama seems to be complete now, but lack of ripples doesn't mean the water is stagnant. Quite on the contrary, it means movement is reaching incredible depths and the water is unstoppable on its way. And being cunning means not only respecting the flow, but also joining the ride.

In less than two months I'm turning 30, and I'm married to a guy who turned 40 just a few months ago. Both ages are key points in a Western man's life, especially a Gay one, but they're radically different, and it's a tad bad idea to pretend they're not.

Thirty years is about helping define your generation. Here you begin to stack up personal merits, you are at the zenith of your personal drive and desire, and this is the turning point from growing up to consuming your living matter. A pagan youth and a yoga-trained awareness have helped me finish up my 20s in apparent perfect alignment with my natural cycle and connection to my Source. I am really living this moment now. Plus, I have a direction, and in reality nothing can stop me now.

The other half of what is supposed to be the equation is my man. He's been there, carried out the whole process, and now finally sits at his personal throne. He's probably not happy with what he got from life (otherwise he wouldn't act so consistently like he wasn't), but he's now living HIS moment of letting go of goals, and declining compromisations. Maybe the ten-year gap that separates him from me is the reason, but he realises his mortality now, probably more clearly than me, he knows that it will all pass, that life will be over one day and that's it's too short for long-term investments. Now He wants to have fun. Right now.

I understand that his approach and perspective is probably the one closest to enlightenment, but rushing enlightenment is one million times worse than sticking to ignorance. I understand, too, that I'm not either fully enlightened, nor pushing myself to be enlightened, nor in the spiritual dark. I am just in my moment. And my moment's very important to me because it is part of my dream, and my dream is me.

Today I tossed my both-eye-painted Daruma doll to the Madrilean lake. From a heart filled with gratitude I’ve let go of it by walking away from the water without looking back, as Brazilian spellcasting tradition has it. But I’m not ready to let go of who I am, and the wave I’m currently riding is part of my wholly Being.

Old Lore

This afternoon I decided to take a nap for vibrational purification, and had a very intense and initiatory dream I very disgracefully didn't record on my Book of Stars. However, I do remember waking up with this very old mantra in mind, a lovely song I learned from my first Yoga instructor 13 years ago, and never forgot:

Quero olhar-me em ti
Ó espelho cristalino do amor
E seguir teu caminho
Esquecer dos espinhos
E fazer muita gente feliz

Perdão se eu não posso seguir
Tudo aquilo que você me ensinou
Só te peço que faças de mim
Um instrumento de paz e de amor
Um instrumento de paz e de amor

It still shocks me that after all this years, this song/mantra is the only thing I've never ever been able to find on Google searches.

I began searching Orphism and Orphic Mysteries later in the evening. Might be related, might not.

New Year Resolution '10

On the way:
Riding the wind
And all on my own
I heal and I learn
My working gets done

The way to:
To drink from this well
And cross through the river
I bathe in the Source
Smoke off the Mirror

Trade:
I offer one eye
To be able to see
And rover the world
My wings and no creed

And again:
I let go of concept
So that I may know
Nine worlds, and in there
Replenish my soul

Midwinter '09

Earlier this calendar-year, I wished for a professional direction, a career path I could dedicate myself to and feel whole, replenished and profoundly rewarded; and I painted my Daruma doll's right eye. This Autumn, I began teaching English and Portuguese, and for the first time ever I experience both a sharp consciousness and a keen responsibility, as well as serenity and satisfaction, intertwined in a very organic way while winning my bread. I am poor, and I know Summer will be financially challenging since most students and schools won't hire me for the Summer months, but I wouldn't trade this feeling of rightness for any money in the world. I'm just not that kind.

In wondrous synchronicity with this alignment, projects and dreams I had deemed false and fantasy, and ditched along the past few months, have returned to my life naturally. And lost-case investments I had taken on naturally withered and disappeared somehow.

Like a river effortlessly finding its course to the Ocean and nourishing all beings along the way, personal truth cascades over my life and bathe me in simple bliss, while washing away the lies and expectations with Webdesign and an office slave lifestyle. I'm now back to my Portuguese-Music tandem, fully landed on the Musical Path my Inner Being craved so much for, and allowing this grounding to remodel my perceptions of the world by experimenting with tonal patterns. The fresh air that Tantra brought to my spiritual path has been blowing my mind in such a way that I don't even need to consciously cast the circle, ground and center to invite its wisdom in and inspire me, breathing deep and true love into all my three souls. I'm not only cooking more, but letting the fire of my creativity transform aspects of my life, burn away the crap and actually nourish me. And now that I finally have time to attend my German lessons, I'm learning so much about how all of this fits together that I'm convinced Wittgenstein was right. Language is a gift of Spirit. It's not just the limits-of-my-language = limits-of-my-world thing. The equation goes much deeper, and I'm sure Ludwig could see that.

Now I can, too. And I don't know if it'll help Daruma see it, too, but keeping my promise, tonight I gave him his left eye. Now I know what I should dedicate myself to for money, wisdom, love, truth and the whole shebang.

I'm whole, and I'm absolutely blessed tonight.

I wish you a blessing Winter Solstice.

Severance

Today I threw away a pair of navy blue Reeboks I had bought back in 2002. The 1st pair of shoes I throw away in a good while.

I don't consider myself attached to my things (except maybe a few books, a couple of CDs and of course my mage props), and I certainly don't make a lot of trash compared to the common man with lifestyle, social class and eating habits similar to mine, but throwing shoes away always have an uncannily strong impact on my emotional welfare.

This has been a good week, professionally. I got the O.K. from the boss to buy the method books and CDs for the elders I teach on Wednesday, yesterday I was met with grins and title-embellished greetings when I arrived at the school, and the manager of the center I teach on Fridays told me this morning that the students (old, grumpy Spaniards, mind you!) are happy with me. And then she told me we should talk one of these days. I felt so relieved.

But now, at the Webdesign course, I'm realising I haven't put as much attention and effort as I probably should, and as a result I'm not learning. Nobody else really is, but I've been physically, emotionally and (most especially) intelectually tired. Exhausted. The teacher being an inept who can't teach anybody anything really, refused to help me today. And here I am, being weird and unfriendly with people (not really impolite), and feeling like I don't have friends or family in this world. It always happens when I toss shoes, and I'd definetely love to know why.

My husband is leaving for the weekend with his friends and without me for the billionth time, and for the first time I feel awful about it. My vegetarian gang has organised a night out tonight and haven't invited me. I invited them for the Yoga meeting tomorrow and they all have other plans.

It's shocking and it's novel, but I'm taking it all personally this time around.

I thought of putting an image of the old shoes on this blog entry, but then on a second thought I decided it'd be too depressing. So it is gone now, and I don't have a visual token of it. It's probably better this way.

A Day

I might have missed something, but for some reason I don't completely get, over the past year I have shifted radically from a colourful brat, emanating Energy and loudness, to a very sober advocate of discreetness and lover of the Santosha life. Might have been Enlightenment.

Today is a day I cherished in every way and second, and two years ago, I'd want to commit suicide for pushing myself through it. I woke up much later than usual, and spent a long time cuddling in bed with my husband. By the time I got up, I wasted the little time I had left before lunch doing absolutely nothing interesting in the Internet. Then I ate, did a few things I wanted to do for a quite some days now (cleaned the glass-ceramic, placed an ad to give away a CD rack we don't want anymore, studied a little German) but wasn't able to, and went to teach an EFL class--yeah, but I'm not even mad that I have to "work" on Sundays. This student is a joy. Then I came back home, had a lovely warm shower and had dinner. All very slow, very low-key and very peaceful.

Then, at times during a day spent mostly on a high, pleasant vibration, I worried again about my teaching gig with the retired people. I'm going to ask my coordinator for a method on Wednesday, and there's the student who had offered to get the methods for me free of charge. I hate to go through that drama. My husband says it's a feeling of cowardice I have, but I disagree. I was feeling really good about this job until I realised I would need some planning, some structure to ground on and not feel so pressured to "be imaginative".

But I don't want that to ruin the following days, like it has made last week hell-like. I will watch one of my Pink Panther DVDs now, go to bed not too late and wake up cheerfully to a seemingly boring Monday.

Life can be very pretty after you begin manipulating Time.

Browsing

In my current phase of restlessness, I've been reading Internet pages about Witchcraft like crazy. And I'm partially obsessed with the idea of finding a partner to study and practice Tantra with. Live.

Today I mentioned to some students at the Friday intermediate group I teach that I'll begin using a book for our weekly lessons. They were quick to show moderate support for the idea, and one of them offered to order with his book-dealer friend the books for all of us (my Teacher's copy and his colleagues' Student's version). I felt so good that in some way the Big U supported my decision to take the easy road and rely on a book instead of only my personal Creativity with Serendipity. Although I won't be fully relaxed until I have the book in my hands, and at least half of the students do, too (I've learned that managing groups and relying on their initiative can be VERY frustrating); but I feel much more confident for the following weeks. Basically, I feel I only need to survive and make-do until the book is around. So, I feel mentally free and emotionally serene enough to surf Witchvox's EXTENSIVE archives, scan past threads on Internet discussion boards, nibble on several covens' online Disk of Shadows and so on. Replenishing times.

I'm also finding chunks of time for practice, not just browsing and collecting theory. Last night I made a brisk session of devotional dance for my Triple Soul and worked some with Energy. Tonight I'll play some with the Gaiadon Heart techniques I learnt this Autumn.

And I'm still to find a tantric partner for live practice. Like the book, he'll come. Providential.

Image: "The Old Librarian", by Myrea Pettit (from www.fairiesworld.com)