Saturn's Return was a bitch. Still is, actually. It has actually made me confused enough to put my life a little bit on hold for the first time in many years, and it was a good thing I had already learnt about resting on the boat and trusting that downstream is the way to go. I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my professional life, but I've managed to maintain a positive attitude and outlook on the subject. And, more importantly, not to freeze.
Xmas with my family of origin back in Brazil didn't feel weird at all until I came back to Spain and began taking down on my Morning Pages all the shit I had to take in while I was there. You don't ask somebody you love to lie, to hide away or to pretend to be somebody else after they've spent one year and half away if you actually love them. I realise they don't really love me, they're just destitute, needy and conditioned to a perfect family façade. I don't really hate my parents, but I'm tired of "understanding" them, so I guess the only way out of this emotional maze is letting go.
Speaking of relationships, my marriage has slowly but steadily grown to a much more mature, solid and relaxed structure, mostly due to an ability to let go and reframe from my part. It is true that some of the evolution is set about and carried on individually and intimately, and that nobody is meant to change or stifle in order to fit, definetely not me, and that it's all very, very good when you just focus on the willingness to stay together despite everything. When the castle of cards fall, you only stay with the good stuff. This is what it means to live drama-free, and I'm enjoying the idea made reality.
Socially, I've become an unhatched egg again, but I'm very cool with that. I think I'm learning how to turn on the social butterfly when wanted, then just revelling in the shade and wallflowering my way through the night when it suits me. But in any case, it's never a necessity, and should not be one. I've let go of abusive situations and groups (more than one, yeah), and I'm feeling really good after dropping the deadweight.
Yet, I still torture myself with the accusations many people have used to control me and cut my wings. I write time and again on my Morning Pages about being considered childish, having Peter Pan syndrome, and refusing to grow up and be independent. Then I look around and find my sister, who won't move out on her own because she doesn't want to wash her own panties; my parents, who don't trust their own feelings, and then naturally don't trust anybody else around them; my husband, who won't let go of his old college buddies and find new circles and environments; drunkards still seeing natural, legitimate and creative leaders as oppressive parents and school teachers; bosses selling lies they barely believe in; needy bitches playing emotional blackmail games.
I don't have anything to burn on the Midsummer bonfire tonight other than these sick games and attachments, but they'll definetely become nourishing ashes for a future harvest. I'm free.
Image: a butterfly inside the flame. The Butterfly is my oldest and most reliable Power Animal.