Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Elemental

Last night he wrote, asking me for money. "Donation" was his word of choice.

I called him. He explained. In legitimate self-defense, I used his strategy and became ice. I wished him goodnight, hung up, went back to bed. He called within the next second. From there, conversation couldn't be anything healthy, so I just braced myself. We've been in this for months now. And the inevitable happened. From ice, I became FIRE.

I said all I wanted. I vented. My rage and anger and resentment all came out, whether it was all necessary or not. Helpful or not. Wise or not. I just didn't care. I don't remember who hung up, but I felt terribly bad afterwards, like I was too cruel to him. After all, I love him. So I called him back. Drama, baby, I was apparently thirsty and insatiable for it.

"Was I too harsh with you?"

Third time is a charm, so conversation was better this time. But he progressively showed his true colours: narcissistic, inconsiderate, cruel. I felt even worse for ever feeling bad for him, and I hung up.

I wanted to call him again tonight, but I didn't. I learned my lesson last night, and I came to write instead. From fire, I became water.

Eventually I will learn to thaw from ice to water without having to burn in flames in the process.

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