Thursday, January 28, 2010

30 vs 40

I've stopped blogging about Saturn's Return and the cycle with professional drama seems to be complete now, but lack of ripples doesn't mean the water is stagnant. Quite on the contrary, it means movement is reaching incredible depths and the water is unstoppable on its way. And being cunning means not only respecting the flow, but also joining the ride.

In less than two months I'm turning 30, and I'm married to a guy who turned 40 just a few months ago. Both ages are key points in a Western man's life, especially a Gay one, but they're radically different, and it's a tad bad idea to pretend they're not.

Thirty years is about helping define your generation. Here you begin to stack up personal merits, you are at the zenith of your personal drive and desire, and this is the turning point from growing up to consuming your living matter. A pagan youth and a yoga-trained awareness have helped me finish up my 20s in apparent perfect alignment with my natural cycle and connection to my Source. I am really living this moment now. Plus, I have a direction, and in reality nothing can stop me now.

The other half of what is supposed to be the equation is my man. He's been there, carried out the whole process, and now finally sits at his personal throne. He's probably not happy with what he got from life (otherwise he wouldn't act so consistently like he wasn't), but he's now living HIS moment of letting go of goals, and declining compromisations. Maybe the ten-year gap that separates him from me is the reason, but he realises his mortality now, probably more clearly than me, he knows that it will all pass, that life will be over one day and that's it's too short for long-term investments. Now He wants to have fun. Right now.

I understand that his approach and perspective is probably the one closest to enlightenment, but rushing enlightenment is one million times worse than sticking to ignorance. I understand, too, that I'm not either fully enlightened, nor pushing myself to be enlightened, nor in the spiritual dark. I am just in my moment. And my moment's very important to me because it is part of my dream, and my dream is me.

Today I tossed my both-eye-painted Daruma doll to the Madrilean lake. From a heart filled with gratitude I’ve let go of it by walking away from the water without looking back, as Brazilian spellcasting tradition has it. But I’m not ready to let go of who I am, and the wave I’m currently riding is part of my wholly Being.


Diane said...

It occurs to me that a person looking at his mortality and "letting go of goals" and "considering [life] too short for long-term investments" at the age of 40 is a person who does not have a positive outlook on life in general, as you've stated. I will turn 49 this year and I am thinking now more than ever of things in the long-term. I will complete an Ironman this year. In the process I must learn patience and greater self-discipline and when it is all done I will be a different person. It is an exciting time! I do not agree that his approach is closer to enlightenment than yours. Transformation and growth occurs as long as you allow it, even if you are 90. One does not become enlightened by giving up and living recklessly because "life is short."