Monday, September 03, 2007


I know all too well that shame is a controlling device, that it’s used to repress the individual in favour of social security, or to teach a child by force to put others before herself. But truth is that getting rid of this awful feeling is NOT as easy as advertised on several witchcraft training programmes or self-help books.

After four months landing, feeling stifled and isolated, and living in a place where the attitude towards shame is radically the opposite from my native land, I’ve been having a really hard time. Old (hurt) feelings have been arising all the time, taking my sleep from me, or inundating me with painful memories of guilt, resentment, ridicule and failure. And, Gods, I have many.

I can only suppose that since leaving Rio, I was doing pretty well in this, in overcoming and outgrowing the Shame that was branding-ironed on me through my whole, horrible upbringing. I found my place as a bard in my Pagan Community, my head was light and working at full speed, my vision was clear, my phisical body en-light-ened almost 36 lbs (16 Kgs) off, I felt the sincere need to help the Oneness I’m generally part of with my actual gifts and charms, and I opened myself to truly fall in love for the first time. I had other motives and other motions. I was a lot less afraid. I had finally come to a place where I gained lots of social and inner approval, probably for the first time in my life, and I quit being a numbed out, selfish brat causing commotion and taking over everywhere I went. No surprise then, that everytime I was visitting with my parents, nightmares and synchronicities made the shit resurface.

Moving to Madrid was definetely far from being a retrocession; more accurately it was an advance, and it catapulted me overnight to a point where I’d have to learn how to pluck this from the root, and put my tools to use. Quite literally.

I live now in a place people have gone far and away from a place of shame a long time ago. I suppose there are some very clear reasons for that, or at least I can think of some, but it just doesn’t matter. The thing is that seeing people looking and acting totally disconsiderate of others and feeling fine about that (e.g., smoking in a restaurant while other people eat, parking the car anywhere, throwing a noisy party at the cinema while the film is being projected, walking up and down with their unleashed dogs messing with other people and other dogs) has bred in me a type of vicarious shame, where I feel bad and constrained for everyone around me, who don’t give a damn if they’re ruining somebody else’s day (or life!) or not. Because I took a bit too long to realise that, and because I haven’t had a day job for too long now, I began to let shameful memories and feelings from my past to reemerge. And that stinks big time.
I suppose there are many quick-and-easy ways out there to overcome shame: the Iron Pentacle, the Love-Over-Fear panacea, a healthy relationship with God, healing abusive relationships from your past, a superb community, writing, venting, airing, ventilating. They all might work, but without constant vigilance, Shame resurfaces and without being dealt with URGENTLY, it takes over your day and your night, and is most likely to take over your relationships, too. Because a person who is controlled by her own Shame will try (and succeed) to make other people ashamed of themselves, too, no matter how good the intentions are. I know that too well, from being both on the giving and the receiving end of the Chain of Shame.