Monday, March 06, 2006

Despite the Fear

Lately I've been overconsidering if I should write about certain things on my blog or not. But after my Born-Again-Creative breakthrough, I had decided that anytime the choice was let it out or hold it back, I would go for expression and freedom, and for any Type Four's Holy Grail: Spontaneity.

What do I have to worry about, anyway? My manager in Hollywood afraid of the repercussions?? My hordes of supporters feeling betrayed by my sincerity?? Get a life. I have nothing to be afraid of, except for going back to my old life of repression, hesitation and blockage. JC says, 'do not pick the first fear. The first fear to the creative is what the first drink is for the alcoholic'. Here I am, folks, going vocal.

Today I want to talk about the plan that is central to my life right now, moving to Madrid. It's gonna take some good months, probably over a year, but I am already freaking out in large advance 'cos if I didn't, I would be somebody else, not Awen. And not being Awen sucks and stinks real bad. I'm sorry for you, my readers. My heart goes out to you now.


Now, serious. I'm really scared of ANOTHER big jump like this. I am still trying to get used to living alone in São Paulo, and just imagine, here my parents are one state away. It's not that I depend on them for anything, because I don't (except for some food my mom cooks for me once I month, freezes and packs up so that I can bring over to Sampa with me -- because SHE wants to!). But here I can go visit them every month. I hate going there, I hate that house and the painful memories, I hate not having anything I like around when I'm there. And I hate the crossed looks from the neighbourhood. But still it pains me to know that I won't be able to go back to Rio for a short visit every month and experience this addictive behaviour of dropping all my anger, frustration, alien syndrome and revolt in the place I was born and raised. After I move to Madrid, I'll be able to come only once or twice a year--If I'm lucky enough to make enough money.

Also, I'll miss São Paulo really bad. This city and the vastly broad horizons stifled among the skyscrappers will always remind me of how redeeming my choice was in the beginning of 2005, the best year in my life.


I was going to write about my Witchcraft Training also, which is probably the longest novel I'll have ever written here one day in the Future, but I will procrastinate a bit more on that. One day, I'll have courage enough, and be clear enough, to write sincerely about that.

Here it is. Today's entry. How brave am I to post this??