Thursday, June 01, 2006


I hate to be here. I hate to sit nine hours a day facing a stupid computer and behind the computer a stupid wall, surrounded by morons and more stupid computers and stupid walls. This just KILLS me.

Last night I had the insight that I am feeling emotionally and socially destitute. I'm hungry for affection. I know I have some wonderful friends out there, not just in the Internet, but in Meatspace too, and there's my Spaniard prince. And of course, my family of origin back in Rio, who has become increasingly (and surprisingly) supportive over the past year. But I cannot afford time to spend quality time with them. I cannot afford time to take care of the flat I share with my roommate, and now she's angry with me. Last Monday, she left me a note with a switched off lightbulb, saying 'naughty people end up living alone'. I left another message (we speak through messages, because I am never in the house), asking what she meant. And didn't get a reply up to this morning.

It's easy to say Time's the villain again. But it's not. What is actually going on is another form of need, much more basic and concrete than just being busy. I am very committed to my MPs and taking my regular Artist Dates, as well as Weekly Walks, and all of that is marvellous to me, fixing me really good. But it's been ages since I last spent good time chatting with my friends, and it's been over six months since I last touched my boyfriend. And that breaks my heart. I need my people.

Last Friday, my office colleague invited me to a party at USP, where I met a pretty cute lad. We had six hours of mindblowing, replenishing sex in his dorm, with cute words and tender, cuddly eye-to-eye breaks. Then it was over, just as all one-night stands usually are, but that fact only made me more anxious and unable to concentrate at work. I just had too much expectation. And there, in the middle of the self-inflicted torture came the insight: I need my people!!

It's all cool to be a working artist, and saving time for your Creativity, but we also need tenderness, attention and community. Live, in the flesh!!