Today, I almost lost my solo on that new choir. It was the first rehearsal where I was supposed to sing the solo part with the pianist, and I wasn't feeling so sure. To be honest, I almost never do, but especially this time, my vocal coach on Tuesday told me she didn't see me ready to sing such a hard piece all by myself. I forgot she was just that, a vocal coach, awesome as she is, but her job is to spot weaknesses, and trust that they can be fixed with work, time and technique. So somewhere in my mind, the seed of doubt germinated and sprouted at the exact time I was to sing the part.
It helped that I anchored to my Core Worth, as Starhawk teaches in her "Twelve Wild Swans" book, but I didn't help that there was a newcomer who knew the whole Magnificat up and down, all four voices and the five solo parts and was offering to do it all, all the fucking time. The 1st soprano solo, the alto solo, singing basses or alto where tenor didn't have a melody, driving me crazy. When I started singing my solo, I slipped into a minor rallentando, and slowed down a bit compared to the piano. He was singing together with me, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he gradually grew his voice to swallow mine. I lost my anchor, froze and stopped singing altogether. Then the song ended, the piano stopped and the jerk started whispering things to me. Because he is French and has an awful accent, and because I was shaking like I was high on some outrageous new drug, I didn't understand a word of what he said, I just smiled and nodded. The director then asked me if we were "negotiating" the solo. I was shocked and couldn't reply. The new guy then said that he would gladly do it if I couldn't do it. In front of everybody, after I had failed on my very first try. Ever.
I was really frustrated and angry. I know from experience, from intuition and from my studies that I shouldn't stick so hard to and hold so tight a single opportunity, that it's not healthy, not smart and not my style, but singing is currently the only thing actually "working" in my life, and it seems so right for me to do this solo. It's like the next natural "small" step. I don't want to let it go, and most of the time, I believe I must not let it go, either.
I'll be studying harder the solo part now. The next rehearsal is on Tuesday, and I'll sing the solo again. This time, way better, I promise. So, I'll tell the director I WANT to do the solo and I'll do my best. If on the day of the performance I can't, Monsieur Volunteer will be there by my side as my substitute!
It helped that I anchored to my Core Worth, as Starhawk teaches in her "Twelve Wild Swans" book, but I didn't help that there was a newcomer who knew the whole Magnificat up and down, all four voices and the five solo parts and was offering to do it all, all the fucking time. The 1st soprano solo, the alto solo, singing basses or alto where tenor didn't have a melody, driving me crazy. When I started singing my solo, I slipped into a minor rallentando, and slowed down a bit compared to the piano. He was singing together with me, even though he wasn't supposed to, and he gradually grew his voice to swallow mine. I lost my anchor, froze and stopped singing altogether. Then the song ended, the piano stopped and the jerk started whispering things to me. Because he is French and has an awful accent, and because I was shaking like I was high on some outrageous new drug, I didn't understand a word of what he said, I just smiled and nodded. The director then asked me if we were "negotiating" the solo. I was shocked and couldn't reply. The new guy then said that he would gladly do it if I couldn't do it. In front of everybody, after I had failed on my very first try. Ever.
I was really frustrated and angry. I know from experience, from intuition and from my studies that I shouldn't stick so hard to and hold so tight a single opportunity, that it's not healthy, not smart and not my style, but singing is currently the only thing actually "working" in my life, and it seems so right for me to do this solo. It's like the next natural "small" step. I don't want to let it go, and most of the time, I believe I must not let it go, either.
I'll be studying harder the solo part now. The next rehearsal is on Tuesday, and I'll sing the solo again. This time, way better, I promise. So, I'll tell the director I WANT to do the solo and I'll do my best. If on the day of the performance I can't, Monsieur Volunteer will be there by my side as my substitute!
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