Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year Resolution '10

On the way:
Riding the wind
And all on my own
I heal and I learn
My working gets done

The way to:
To drink from this well
And cross through the river
I bathe in the Source
Smoke off the Mirror

I offer one eye
To be able to see
And rover the world
My wings and no creed

And again:
I let go of concept
So that I may know
Nine worlds, and in there
Replenish my soul

Monday, December 21, 2009

Midwinter '09

Earlier this calendar-year, I wished for a professional direction, a career path I could dedicate myself to and feel whole, replenished and profoundly rewarded; and I painted my Daruma doll's right eye. This Autumn, I began teaching English and Portuguese, and for the first time ever I experience both a sharp consciousness and a keen responsibility, as well as serenity and satisfaction, intertwined in a very organic way while winning my bread. I am poor, and I know Summer will be financially challenging since most students and schools won't hire me for the Summer months, but I wouldn't trade this feeling of rightness for any money in the world. I'm just not that kind.

In wondrous synchronicity with this alignment, projects and dreams I had deemed false and fantasy, and ditched along the past few months, have returned to my life naturally. And lost-case investments I had taken on naturally withered and disappeared somehow.

Like a river effortlessly finding its course to the Ocean and nourishing all beings along the way, personal truth cascades over my life and bathe me in simple bliss, while washing away the lies and expectations with Webdesign and an office slave lifestyle. I'm now back to my Portuguese-Music tandem, fully landed on the Musical Path my Inner Being craved so much for, and allowing this grounding to remodel my perceptions of the world by experimenting with tonal patterns. The fresh air that Tantra brought to my spiritual path has been blowing my mind in such a way that I don't even need to consciously cast the circle, ground and center to invite its wisdom in and inspire me, breathing deep and true love into all my three souls. I'm not only cooking more, but letting the fire of my creativity transform aspects of my life, burn away the crap and actually nourish me. And now that I finally have time to attend my German lessons, I'm learning so much about how all of this fits together that I'm convinced Wittgenstein was right. Language is a gift of Spirit. It's not just the limits-of-my-language = limits-of-my-world thing. The equation goes much deeper, and I'm sure Ludwig could see that.

Now I can, too. And I don't know if it'll help Daruma see it, too, but keeping my promise, tonight I gave him his left eye. Now I know what I should dedicate myself to for money, wisdom, love, truth and the whole shebang.

I'm whole, and I'm absolutely blessed tonight.

I wish you a blessing Winter Solstice.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Today I threw away a pair of navy blue Reeboks I had bought back in 2002. The 1st pair of shoes I throw away in a good while.

I don't consider myself attached to my things (except maybe a few books, a couple of CDs and of course my mage props), and I certainly don't make a lot of trash compared to the common man with lifestyle, social class and eating habits similar to mine, but throwing shoes away always have an uncannily strong impact on my emotional welfare.

This has been a good week, professionally. I got the O.K. from the boss to buy the method books and CDs for the elders I teach on Wednesday, yesterday I was met with grins and title-embellished greetings when I arrived at the school, and the manager of the center I teach on Fridays told me this morning that the students (old, grumpy Spaniards, mind you!) are happy with me. And then she told me we should talk one of these days. I felt so relieved.

But now, at the Webdesign course, I'm realising I haven't put as much attention and effort as I probably should, and as a result I'm not learning. Nobody else really is, but I've been physically, emotionally and (most especially) intelectually tired. Exhausted. The teacher being an inept who can't teach anybody anything really, refused to help me today. And here I am, being weird and unfriendly with people (not really impolite), and feeling like I don't have friends or family in this world. It always happens when I toss shoes, and I'd definetely love to know why.

My husband is leaving for the weekend with his friends and without me for the billionth time, and for the first time I feel awful about it. My vegetarian gang has organised a night out tonight and haven't invited me. I invited them for the Yoga meeting tomorrow and they all have other plans.

It's shocking and it's novel, but I'm taking it all personally this time around.

I thought of putting an image of the old shoes on this blog entry, but then on a second thought I decided it'd be too depressing. So it is gone now, and I don't have a visual token of it. It's probably better this way.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Day

I might have missed something, but for some reason I don't completely get, over the past year I have shifted radically from a colourful brat, emanating Energy and loudness, to a very sober advocate of discreetness and lover of the Santosha life. Might have been Enlightenment.

Today is a day I cherished in every way and second, and two years ago, I'd want to commit suicide for pushing myself through it. I woke up much later than usual, and spent a long time cuddling in bed with my husband. By the time I got up, I wasted the little time I had left before lunch doing absolutely nothing interesting in the Internet. Then I ate, did a few things I wanted to do for a quite some days now (cleaned the glass-ceramic, placed an ad to give away a CD rack we don't want anymore, studied a little German) but wasn't able to, and went to teach an EFL class--yeah, but I'm not even mad that I have to "work" on Sundays. This student is a joy. Then I came back home, had a lovely warm shower and had dinner. All very slow, very low-key and very peaceful.

Then, at times during a day spent mostly on a high, pleasant vibration, I worried again about my teaching gig with the retired people. I'm going to ask my coordinator for a method on Wednesday, and there's the student who had offered to get the methods for me free of charge. I hate to go through that drama. My husband says it's a feeling of cowardice I have, but I disagree. I was feeling really good about this job until I realised I would need some planning, some structure to ground on and not feel so pressured to "be imaginative".

But I don't want that to ruin the following days, like it has made last week hell-like. I will watch one of my Pink Panther DVDs now, go to bed not too late and wake up cheerfully to a seemingly boring Monday.

Life can be very pretty after you begin manipulating Time.

Friday, November 13, 2009


In my current phase of restlessness, I've been reading Internet pages about Witchcraft like crazy. And I'm partially obsessed with the idea of finding a partner to study and practice Tantra with. Live.

Today I mentioned to some students at the Friday intermediate group I teach that I'll begin using a book for our weekly lessons. They were quick to show moderate support for the idea, and one of them offered to order with his book-dealer friend the books for all of us (my Teacher's copy and his colleagues' Student's version). I felt so good that in some way the Big U supported my decision to take the easy road and rely on a book instead of only my personal Creativity with Serendipity. Although I won't be fully relaxed until I have the book in my hands, and at least half of the students do, too (I've learned that managing groups and relying on their initiative can be VERY frustrating); but I feel much more confident for the following weeks. Basically, I feel I only need to survive and make-do until the book is around. So, I feel mentally free and emotionally serene enough to surf Witchvox's EXTENSIVE archives, scan past threads on Internet discussion boards, nibble on several covens' online Disk of Shadows and so on. Replenishing times.

I'm also finding chunks of time for practice, not just browsing and collecting theory. Last night I made a brisk session of devotional dance for my Triple Soul and worked some with Energy. Tonight I'll play some with the Gaiadon Heart techniques I learnt this Autumn.

And I'm still to find a tantric partner for live practice. Like the book, he'll come. Providential.

Image: "The Old Librarian", by Myrea Pettit (from

Thursday, November 12, 2009

First Crack

Overstimulation when I am far from my Kala state is certainly one of the feelings I dread the most, but I will credit overstimulation as the motivation for cracking the thick ice that had accumulated all over me for the past, unfortunate months of writing deprivation and regular detouring.

Japanese charms are usually powerful. When I was in Sampa almost one year ago, I bought myself a Daruma doll, wished that I had a career to tend to and a professional identity to ground on, and painted his left eye black. One year later, my Basic Self is feeling overwhelmed with the creative rush that teaching English to retired folks has brought into my life for the past two and a half months.

The feeling is not comfortable, though. I definetely feel awake and alive, but also overwhelmed, obsessed and about to crack under the pressure that being an authority figure for five considerably-sized groups of people fifty years older than you produces.

I feel I'm all by myself in this responsibility, but I'm keen on using tricks and searching for sources of help and support. This weekend, I'm buying a book to use with them in the classroom, so I can relax and let go of the never-ending responsibility of planning and creating class activities. Yesterday I fortunately wrote Diane, and she opened my eyes to the fact that I've expanded so much with this new job that I can't even contain myself. I've managed to finally relax after understanding this.

Some plans for the long-term: a scholarship to get my Master's degree (probably in the German language), go back to witchcrafting, cull and let go of duties and obligations that aren't really mine.

So there's no more elusive dreams with Music, short-lived creative fires of Cuisine, or expectations with Webdesign for me. Next Winter Solstice my Daruma doll is gaining his other eye.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Becoming Ripe

I don't know if this blog will become a solstice/equinox thing now, but I know it is a pity I have been away from writing for so long. No idea of who to blame, and no use in that, either, but I can still hear the Inner Voice, despite claiming inability to listen most of the time.

On this Autumn Equinox, I realise I am finally approaching the zenith of my life. I am finally coming to full adulthood. I don't know if I'm mature yet, and probably not, but my relationships, my goals, my schedule and my moods have been taking less swings lately, and my attention deficit doesn't get the best of me that easily anymore.

There is much to tell in exemplifying that, but I'm leaving it all for future blog entries, and concentrating on the core: It is time now to learn how to get what I want, how to consolidate processes, and how to focus on one project, one person, one theme. And in all I do these days, that is what moves me; from sexual intercourse with other men of all ages, to the creative projects I've been dedicated to.

This blog is still one of them, renewed by the harvested blessings this Equinox.

Image from
Alicorn Arts.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Midsummer '09

Today the Sun God dies out to preserve the Earth and save the crops, and the Holly King takes over with His cold-ass stare and hands supple enough to help us sort through our shit and decide what's got to give. After intense personal experiences with the blinding light of the Oak King this Winter and Spring, I've already got it very clear what to burn on the Bonfire tonight. As usual.

Saturn's Return was a bitch. Still is, actually. It has actually made me confused enough to put my life a little bit on hold for the first time in many years, and it was a good thing I had already learnt about resting on the boat and trusting that downstream is the way to go. I still don't know what I'm gonna do with my professional life, but I've managed to maintain a positive attitude and outlook on the subject. And, more importantly, not to freeze.

Xmas with my family of origin back in Brazil didn't feel weird at all until I came back to Spain and began taking down on my Morning Pages all the shit I had to take in while I was there. You don't ask somebody you love to lie, to hide away or to pretend to be somebody else after they've spent one year and half away if you actually love them. I realise they don't really love me, they're just destitute, needy and conditioned to a perfect family façade. I don't really hate my parents, but I'm tired of "understanding" them, so I guess the only way out of this emotional maze is letting go.

Speaking of relationships, my marriage has slowly but steadily grown to a much more mature, solid and relaxed structure, mostly due to an ability to let go and reframe from my part. It is true that some of the evolution is set about and carried on individually and intimately, and that nobody is meant to change or stifle in order to fit, definetely not me, and that it's all very, very good when you just focus on the willingness to stay together despite everything. When the castle of cards fall, you only stay with the good stuff. This is what it means to live drama-free, and I'm enjoying the idea made reality.

Socially, I've become an unhatched egg again, but I'm very cool with that. I think I'm learning how to turn on the social butterfly when wanted, then just revelling in the shade and wallflowering my way through the night when it suits me. But in any case, it's never a necessity, and should not be one. I've let go of abusive situations and groups (more than one, yeah), and I'm feeling really good after dropping the deadweight.

Yet, I still torture myself with the accusations many people have used to control me and cut my wings. I write time and again on my Morning Pages about being considered childish, having Peter Pan syndrome, and refusing to grow up and be independent. Then I look around and find my sister, who won't move out on her own because she doesn't want to wash her own panties; my parents, who don't trust their own feelings, and then naturally don't trust anybody else around them; my husband, who won't let go of his old college buddies and find new circles and environments; drunkards still seeing natural, legitimate and creative leaders as oppressive parents and school teachers; bosses selling lies they barely believe in; needy bitches playing emotional blackmail games.

I don't have anything to burn on the Midsummer bonfire tonight other than these sick games and attachments, but they'll definetely become nourishing ashes for a future harvest. I'm free.

Image: a butterfly inside the flame. The Butterfly is my oldest and most reliable Power Animal.

Monday, June 01, 2009


I may be narcisistic and emotionally unstable, but when called for, I can be a tough bitch with a rare sense of unattachment, Spiritual strength, and a very positive instinct of moving on. I have just dropped off of the Couchsurfing group that had become a cornerstone of my life for the past few months, and I'm amazed at how good, light and proud I feel about it.

On Saturday, I grew sick and tired of moochers and drunkards with no sense of limit. Everybody else did, too, but only I decided to speak up, and on Sunday I posted an explosive open letter at the group's board, telling off those who deserved it. As usual, (almost) everybody turned against me, and suddenly I became public enemy. Not that I'm complaining, quite on the contrary. As they were angry with me, and I wanted to smack each of them on the face--the parasites for being parasites, and everybody else for being cowards--, I just hit the "leave group" button after deleting all the contributions I made as a moderator. I'm still undecided as to what I'm gonna do with the blog, 'cos that's not mine only to make vanish, but I don't think it'll remain associated with the group. If it does, I'll delete all recipes I posted there, which comprises of at least more than half of all contents.

I remember my favourite astrologer of all time and witchy-buddy Elide Cascone telling us in a lecture once, "Pluto plucks by the root". On Sunday I had taken a "what Sailor Moon character are you" quiz on Facebook, and the stupid quiz gave me Sailor Pluto.

I treasure my ability to draw inspiration from anywhere.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


My husband gifted me with a trip to London for my birthday this year. Given our financial status, that was quite outrageous of him, and I certainly acknowledge that, his commitment to fulfill an old dream of mine and his willingness to compensate me for a depressing, blank birthday I had last year.

We stayed for three nights with a Polish friend of his living there, and we managed to cover a lot of the world's coolest city's attractions. I even joined local Couchsurfers on an Europride evening at a typical English pub in Euston. We saw lots of things, I managed to take pictures despite his impatience, we saw Celtic, Egyptian and Greek treasures at the awesome British Museum, and I got a kick out of the whole experience.

It was especially hard for him to join me on that, and certainly not because of lack of funds. He's the typical Spaniard, so he's anglophobic down to his last cell. His remarks and constant comparisons with Spain and his harsh criticism of problems that only existed in his mind deterred us from a truly romantic experience, but of course I'm quite used to that. So I just practiced my vibrational hygiene and enjoyed the ride: double-deck buses, wonderful Asian food, riverside walks, great live music, cosmopolitanism and being present in flesh and bones at the sceneries of so many incredible feats, from groundbreaking T-Mobile TV ads to the most interesting history of Modern Age and the 20th century. It's like I'm more part of it now.

Here are the photos of our adventure:

We spent there the International Day against Homophobia (Sunday, May 17th) together, so I didn't join any public acts, such as the Besada in Plaza Mayor here in Madrid, but today I've been watching this video and listening to this song the whole day. How funny and inspiring:

Now tonight I'm having a potluck with Couchsurfers again, and this time it's a 1001 Nights theme night. Everybody's bringing a dish with a tale to tell, a la Scheherazade, and I'm bringing my stories of London to tell over a Ploughman's Lunch recipe I'm going to prepare right now.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Manpulating Time

Dr. Overtone has taught me to experience the Beat from walking. Each foot landing on the ground is a beat, and on the average human walking we learn to count like Baroque masters did: tempo 92. Because we use two feet, have a symmetrical body, and the ego functions on duality, the most immediate way to accentuate the beats is Duple Meter. In most of the Western world kids are lucky enough to study Music at school, and Doc says they all learn at the band that left foot is one, right foot is two. Doo-day, doo-day, doo-day and so begins the magic of Time Manipulation, embellished with variations of sound and gaps of silence.

Duple meter is natural. It's the music that moves wild crowds, and that uniformises men in uniforms as they drill in perfect synchronization, the beat that makes men and women who have nothing in common feel a sense of belonging to an abstract and unrealistic creation such as a "country". One foot and then the other creates Order. Doo-day is the template for national anthems, for rebellious chanting, for bulding up rage, lust and other basic functions of mind and movement.

But then Doc taught me something else. Add another weak beat before counting Doo again. Left, right, left, and Doo when right hits the floor. Doo-da-dee, doo-da-dee, doo-da-dee. Now one transcends the reality of the body, has reached for a level of understanding that isn't contained in the bicameral mind. One has been unfolded beyond one's own nature in a sense, so if duple meter is natural, triple is supernatural.

If two is order, three is subversive. Triple meter is the gateway to Spirit, the root of medieval religious music, of spaces created to stir love where love needed to be tamed. In three come the Gods of Faerie, and triune is the shining God hidden within the heavy, cold and unfriendly stone walls built ten centuries ago.

The Time element is definetely associated with the Three all over the world. The Norns, the Hours, the three parts of a well-told story. The Holy Trinity; The Twins and The Mother; the Oak King, the Holly King and Mother Earth. The Welsh Triads; Iron Age/Middle Ages/Modern Age; before, breakthrough and after. It takes three to manipulate Time. For a long time, we've known the secret--that the secret is in Time.

I'll have to get back to you on 5/4 and 7/4. I've begun trying them out just today, and loved the intoxication they produced.

Image: Zoomorphic Triskele, by Owen C. R. Pierce.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Creative Plenitude

I've been incredibly creative lately, which probably explains why my blog has just broken a personal record for partial inactivity period. My blog's long been a device to help me zig-zag my way around creative blocks, and sometimes blast through them. But no blocks lately, whatsoever. Not even money.

1st, I've remained a kitchen maven these past few months, and there's the brand new cookbook project I've released to the world yesterday, a blogspot blog with recipes from my Couchsurfing group, "Madrid: Cooking". I'm really proud of that, and eagerly hoping the rest of the gang will help me keep it permanently growing.
Here it is.

Then, German and Music have been keeping me really busy. I'm still with the Deutsche Welle online course, and the headway is shining. Musicwise, my piano lessons with Hector are my favourite time of the week, and we're about to begin working with the full diatonic scale. The method Hector's applying is based on improvisation, so first we've played with the Pentatonic scales, then one Hexatonic, and now I've got five notes in the Dorian mode--with both hands on the keys! I'm sure this Thursday or the next, I'll be receiving either the full scale or another chord to mess around with. Also, I've signed up for the public Language and Music schools. Now let's see if I'm lucky enough to have my name picked on the public lottery that decides who gets a seat!

And now there's the brand new world that is, which I'm not only exploring, but helping to build from ground zero. I've already created two communities there, one for the Art of Allowing and the other for Songwriting, and I'm sure that will be the next "original" for my blog--I'll definetely keep blogspot up for ppl who want to comment but don't want to join any network website to post comments, Yahoo 360º will be the place where the blog is non-discontinued, and Tribe is down again at the time of this writing. Dreamwidth is vibrant, new and full of really interesting people and a feeling of eagerness in the air. My dreamwidth address is, but alas I cannot issue invites.

Hail the bonfires of May Day!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Time Element

Everyday now I sit at the keyboard, more than once a day. I feel the beat, and don't begin until I'm sure I can follow it. Then, riding on it, I feel the way each note means different things as it responds to different notes that sounded just before it. The fourth dimension. Then I pay close attention, and suddenly I'm riding a tsunami of meaning, instead of merely the wave of beat.

Music might be defined as the art of filling time with sound. Music is allowing me to come back to the beginning of Time, and begin anew.

I'm not very old yet, but this is how it should've been since the very beginning.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Straight into my recipe book


1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day and while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Meditate/pray about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds &

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are in need.. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Some Good Friday Abe'ing

"It feels good to see the world through the eyes of Source, doesn't it?"

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Parallel Worlds

I have noticed this blog has been silent these days, and I haven't done much to change it. I've had just too many stories to tell, but given that, where this blog haa its primary residence, is basically dead, and since I've been totally immersed and fed exclusively by the Couchsurfing community, I haven't really wanted to change the circumstances. I've just decided to allow them to teach me whatever I needed to learn, and give me a story to tell that's more than just narrative.

When I joined Couchsurfing, all my friends who were on both websites were telling me that Couchsurfing was's next step. Not what I found, not so. After an intense Winter of activities with people from all over the world that included cuisine, travelling, explorations, teaching and sharing, creative group work, and sex, I can say that while it's true that both are two sides of the same coin, while Couchsurfing is about bringing the connection onto Meatspace, is about preserving the intimacy and profound spiritual surrender that an experience shared only intellectually/emotionally, such as a blog followed regularly, can grant.

I've taken kids from several countries visiting Madrid for walking tours and to my gay yoga'n meditation group. I've shared a kitchen and prepared brilliant food collectively with others. I've also been taken care of by "Internet acquaintances" when I was getting sick, and I've gotten laid with one guy I met there. While these things haven't happened with people in my Tribe's friends list, they certainly created a feeling of community and intimacy with people I met in my new home. Still, I can't find an appropriate time to discuss with them things I discuss so naturally here in my blog with these incredible people who read me, and leave me comments. Couchsurfing is a clean, silver mirror. is the black one, where I can gaze into the timeless wisdom of the Outter Space as it reflects my Inner landscapes.

As I've lived great adventures in the physical dimension of life with Courchsurfers, I've come to learn a lot about myself. About my resistances, about Relief, about my true skills, about my most sincere offerings. Probably as much as I've learnt by blogging, and certainly experienced just as much wonder as writing regularly. But connection isn't really complete.

So, I'm hoping that, even though is essentially dead, I'll be able to keep living my parallel life in the Dark Realms of Annwn, while remaining lord of Dyfed. One thing doesn't substitute the other. And the greatest blessings in life are showered on you while crossing the bridge between them.

Image: Òsùmàrè. Afro-Brazilian deity of Divination and the umbilical cord, the Rainbow Serpent who dwells in-between, and connects humanity with Supreme Divinity. He spends half of the year as a man, half of the year as a snake.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

On the verge of Equinox

Happy St Paddy's/All Snakes Day, gang.

Today I woke up before four a.m. and couldn't fall asleep again. That's certainly strange to a heavy sleeper like myself, and also for Spain's usual times (everything here is later--bedtime, food, work--, especially because Spain is crossed by Greenwich, but insisted on adopting the timeline of the rest of the Continent); but in the light of my momentum, if it doesn't make sense that I feel less need to sleep, at least it means I might be feeling readier than usual. And boy, I am.

I've had a whole year virtually unemployed, except for some classes I've taught and odd jobs, and it seems that I was blessed with the gift of knowing how to use time from the day I was born. I have invested in many beautiful, important, urgent and spiritual projects that have come to generous fruition (except for Music, but, oh, well...) and now I've been feeling eager to step out of the coccoon again.

I've mentioned here in my blog several times how I've been managing to learn German so easily without a teacher. I've been meeting my German friends every week for six months now for our language exchange, and probably we will continue, so now I'm confident enough to chat with the Austrians in without looking up in a dictionary too often. I've also been given heads-up for a fabulous free online German course that has taken me to a level that would probably be considered intermediate. And I'm learning many songs in this beautiful language.

All my immigration paperwork is definetely taken care of, and despite the crisis and the long wait for the validation of my studies, much of my life is regularised by now, and I'm eligible for many jobs here in Spain. Or anywhere in Europe, really. That also entitles me to study, though not regular schooling or University degrees yet. For that, I'm still on hold.

I have been cooking like CRAZY. Together with Gay marriage, food is probably the only thing that makes me consider myself blessed for living in Spain, so I figured I might as well use the opportunity to earn something that will serve me for life. I've downloaded torrents and videos to perfect my tostatura and mantecatura techniques, and my risotto now is even more fabulous. I have prepared a wicked vegetables paella earlier this month for friends and strangers. I can make a dozen more different sauces that everybody I know in Brazil can--tomato, cheese, Asian, stir-fry. Vegan or with dairy. It all.

I can travel now, and I have, and I will. I've been such a prolific social animal in Couchsurfing, always solving blocks that a traumatic upbringing brought me, learning new tricks and words in many languages, shooting great photos and building up a profile there full of "medals": great references, vouches of trust, reliable connections. Now I have doors open for me pretty much in any country of the world.

Doesn't mean I'm already done: I still have two levels of my German course with Deutsche Welle to go before my Zertifikat comes, my travelling is about to begin tomorrow night on a bus ride to the Mediterranean, my all'onda technique still needs polishing (the ultimate goal is to become a master in all things Rice), I want to begin experimenting with Raw Vegan food now, and only in May Escuela Oficial de Idiomas will open for me to sign up for classes.

More important: when I'm back from Valencia next week, I'll be candidating for a possible job I've already got in sight. And I'm ready for even more sowing, sprouting and blooming with a paycheck. March 20th is Autumn where I was born, but I'm definetely a Springtime baby.

Hail Ostara!

Image: the first blossoms in my potted garden this year.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I Still Remember

Song Title Meme (stolen from Nisey)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to people you like and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.

Pick Your Artist: Blackmore's Night (just 'cos they have just too many songs and that makes it easier, hehe)

Are you male or female: Faerie Queen

Describe yourself: Self Portrait

How do you feel about yourself: Ghost of a Rose

Describe where you currently live: World of Stone

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Streets of London

Your favorite form of transportation: Wind in the Willows

Your best friend is: Village Lanterne

Your favorite color is: Shadow of the Moon

What's the weather like: Under a Violet Moon

Favorite time of day: Beyond the Sunset

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Queen for a Day

What is life to you: Castles and Dreams

What is the best advice you have to give: Where Are We Going from Here

If you could change your name, what would it be: Cartouche

Your favorite food is: Dandelion Wine

Thought for the Day: I Guess It Doesn't Matter Anymore

How I would like to die: Avalon

My soul's present condition: Home Again

The faults I can bear: Fool's Gold

My motto: Play Minstrel Play

Image from:

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Great Divination Game

[Stolen from Aster]


1. Go to Wikipedia. Hit “Random” or click
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2. Go to "Random quotations" or click

The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to Flickr and click on “Explore the last seven days” or click
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4. Use Photoshop or Gimp or similar to put it all together.

5. Post it to your blog with this text in the "Caption" and Tag the friends you want to join in. (You can un-tag yourself if you don't want this photo up.)

Friday, February 06, 2009

Adulthood, part two

Almost one year later, I'm back to that awful situation most people go through from time to time: job hunting. The general feeling is one I'm probably too used to, to not let it let me down anymore. But the intensity of the feelings of confusion and an overwhelming amount of dead-ends I've been facing lately, although not new, are certainly stronger than the best of me.

I've been feeling really lonely, with nobody to sit down and talk, vent, and maybe brainstorm with to find a solution to my personal crisis which, contrary the one currently advertised on the Media, is very real. I don't really have friends here that would sit down with me in a quiet atmosphere just to listen to me, and then share from the heart. The few friends I've made here all have their own turmoil, because they're all immigrants, too. The kids from Couchsurfing are not the talking kind; they're just folks to have a drink and laugh at nonsense with into the night. Then there's Jose's friends, who aren't really looking at me as a person with feelings and emotional blocks, after ten months being supported by their old friend. The Osho Zen Tarot is always an incredibly magical experience every time I check in with it--always the most comforting, the sweetest and the best feeling message for me regarding this issue. But then I check in on, and absolutely everything advertised there is beyond my reach.

No, not really everything. I've candidated for some job vacancies. Me, and other 220+ candidates. That probably speak "native" Spanish and have a dozen more languages and specialization courses than I do.

The feeling of being useless is awful. I can't help looking back and thinking what an idiot I was to invest all my youth emancipating myself emotionally, while the other kids were building an ab-fab resume and dressing sharp.

This makes me feel like the ultimate loser to admit, but it's probably a reason I should touch the giant soap bubble and pop it: For ten years now, I've been working with text. Portuguese and English languages. That's what I've trained myself to do, to excellence. It's the only thing I do that has earned compliments, the only job I had that actually gave me anything of money, the closest I've ever been to supporting myself. And here I am, in a reality where none of this that I can, should and want to do are valued.

Portuguese in the business world is a split language. You've got the super-pure thing that's spoken in Portugal, Spain's underdeveloped neighbour who imports everything from it, and then you've got the modified gob that I was raised with in Brazil. Heaps of Brazilians in the market, albeit no actual professional interest in the language of Brazil, and in Portugal everybody detests our flavour to the language. Jobs that require Portuguese language always specify "Brasileños, no" (and not just translating, copy-desking, writing or communication gigs, but pretty much everything else).

Spain is fraught with US American kids trying to get a degree in Europe and travel cheaper in the Summer, and they all teach English and do everything I've filled a resume with for a living here (with much less pleasure). They're the English-speaking "natives". I'm nobody to compete in this race.

It's like you've been a lawyer your whole life, and suddenly you move to a place where there is no Law. Or like you've been nothing but a pianist, and you go to a place where they don't have pianos, music or whatever for you. You're suddenly null, you've got no lines, no part to play on the stage. And the play goes on.

I want guidance, and I've been learning that guidance is my feelings, my Emotional Guidance System. It says I should do what feels good. But I have no credentials, preparation or reputation to do what feels good in this country of super-serious, seriously concerned people, concerning anything I love to do. Which is basically language and Music.

I'll probably manage this all by myself, as I've always have, but I can't help being amazed at how cursed my professional life seems to be, wherever I am. In Rio, no jobs whatsoever. In Madrid, no qualifications in me.

How do I fix this, for once and for good? I've realised with Saturn's Return that my main deficiency in life is my professional situation, and I want to balance that pie chart.

Image: “Seed Spirit”, by Neil Turner.

Monday, February 02, 2009

One Word, again.

I know I'd done this once already, but Kady tagged me again, and I thought it might be really interesting to check how much I've changed in 8 months--after a transatlantic trip, free hugs, marriage, the loss of a grandparent without being able to even tell him goodbye for the last time. and everything else I've written about on my blog.

You can only type ONE Word!
Not as easy as you might think. Now change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It's really hard to only use one word answers. You can only type one word!

1. Where is your cell phone?

2. Where is your significant other?

3. Your hair?

4. Your mother?

5. Your father?

6. Your favorite thing?

7. Your dream last night?

8. Your dream/goal?

9. The room you're in?

10. Your hobby?

11. Your fear?

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?

13. Where were you last night?

14. What you're not?

16. One of your wish list items?

17. Where you grew up?

18. The last thing you did?

19. What are you wearing?

21. Your TV?

21. Your pet?

22. Your computer?

24. Your mood?

25. Missing someone?

26. Your car?

27. Something you're not wearing?

28. Favorite store?

29. Your summer?

30. Love someone?

31. Your favorite color?

32. When is the last time you laughed?

33. Last time you cried?

34. One place that I go to over and over?

35. One person who emails me regularly?

36. Favorite place to eat?

37. Why you participated in this survey?

38. What are you doing tonight?

39. Something you're proud of?

40. Who will reply to this?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Free Hugs

Yesterday (Sunday) I had my first Free Hugs experience with my friends from Couchsurfing/Madrid. Nothing big to be told, but I want to say that if you're too busy, too celebrity or too afraid to offer a hug to a stranger downtown on a Sunday morning, you're doing something terrible with your own life.

See for yourself, and feel the magic even from a magic-deterring device such as a digital video, and if it makes you feel good, give yourself a chance and vow to hold the sign some day soon:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Adulthood, part one

I've been questioning my religious identity as a Pagan for quite a while now. Eight years ago, very few things made me as proud as waving the pentacle or the "God Herself" flag, especially because of the zest for life, reverence for death as a natural force, and the freedom from the oppression of gender it represented to me. But then, as I grew older, I began noticing nuances (that word...) in general, collective pagan behaviour that made me progressively more uncomfortable, until a few very particular, widely publicized pagan notions began, frankly, scarying the shit out of me. Today, and for the past two years or so, it's namely the certainty that owning a cunt gives you power of "choice" over life and death. Life and death of other people. And then masking it with a ritual to the Goddess of the Woodland presumably makes murder look natural.

When I was young, stupid and blocked, I believed that one chose a religious path because of the value of the theories professed along it. These days, being definetely much of an adult the kid I was wanted to be when he grew up, I know one decides on and chooses his Religion, his social circle, his general experience on Planet Earth, which is still my Deity, and certainly his community by the way they feel; and I also know that identity is an individual merit. I'm NOT going to associate with money-hungry, power-hungry ego-maniacs who make me feel threatened and disturbed. Starhawk's books in the 80s used to be mostly about Preservation and Restoration, and look at all this shit now.

I've been huge on Abraham(-Hicks)'s teachings lately, and I'm working on becoming an allower. The Law of Allowing, of all three Universal Laws Abe teaches, is the most difficult to grasp, but I'm slowly coming to dig it. And even though I know it states that I need to allow others to be who they want to be and do whatever they want to do, I don't have to take in anybody else's personal laws made up on vanity, ignorance and very conditional love. Or love of conditions, actually. Murderers are people desperately unable to allow, so they try the last resort on the table. (And please don't mask abortion with maturity and "Adulthood". First, Adulthood is a very personal and intimate notion created by each adult, since each of us achieve our personal Break Even Point in a different moment, and look at ourselves differently by then. Second, in Spain, where abortions are fully legal, 90% of them are performed by women younger than 19 years old, and in my physical and non-physical experience, all abortions were/are performed by women not really older than that. Abortion is immaturity and total inability to deal with one's own system, sexual life and, for one thing, creative powers of lifegivingness.)

I still love my friends in São Paulo, and I'm still attending all public rituals whenever I'm in town, since I love the memories of my youth. But all public references to Paganism on all my profiles in the Internet and the rest of my social life, are going to go. I'm responsible for my identity, image and religious (political) stand.

I'm so sorry my ex-religion is so twisted by perversions, like practically all religions before it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Things to Leave Behind

Today's packing up day. For the first time in my life, over half of my luggage consists of gifts for other people, and I can't believe I feel so good about this. Yet, I'm feeling a little guilty because of last night's talk with my sister and mom in her bedroom.

She's turned 25 this week, and in a mysogynistic country like Brazil that's when the pre-Saturn's Return hysteria for heterossexual marriage and children begins, so she suddenly brought her hypothetical marriage into our talk about my future life when I land in Madrid tomorrow, this time so differently from the Spring of '07. Next thing I knew, her index finger was rocking in front of my face and her tone of voice was completely transformed back into the usual bitch mode. Then I received instructions about my outfit for her wedding, who I was entering the ceremony with (my husband--my family--not allowed because here in Brazil, people's mentality, bla, bla, bla), and what role I had to play in her big day. I said I was going to bring a pianist from Spain and sing, instead. She said, no. And grew angrier. Then she and my mother said I was her family and she didn't want to feel alone in her day. I. e., like I felt on my wedding day, when neither she, nor my mother, called, sent an SMS or even an email. I married like I had no family at all in this world. And then I made that very clear to them with very few words and the perfect voice tone (oh boy, how I love adulthood!), and then made it even clearer, in an even more perfect speech, that nobody in that family had the right to demand any wedding day behaviour from me. End of talk, soothing silence and lightness in my soul. And less shit to bring back in my bags with me, opening more space for sincere gifts for people who have accepted me as I am.

I most likely won't have space in my checking bag for as many books as I'd like to bring. And books are too heavy to bring more than a few in your carry-on. I've been working intensely with Abraham-Hicks's seminars and "Starter Set" CDs throughout this month I've spent here in Rio, and I think among the many blessings I've attracted to myself because of that, I now have a sharper pre-manifestation sensitivity, so I know that I'll need some Craft and magic books with exercises, because I'm currently attracting for myself a study group for (gay) male Mysteries in Madrid. I also intend to begin Storytelling again, and even though that feels a tad bit counter-Flow by now, I'm determined to be surrounded with my tried-and-true repertoire if the opportunity to play The Storm Fool live again appears. And frankly, it might. I had already decided that I'd bring home this time around Nacy McDermott's "Real Vegetarian Thai", which is my all-time favourite recipe book and I had forgotten when I moved to Madrid two years ago. I'm also taking the Gay Kama Sutra, two Brazilian books I think my husband will adore (the world's first gay-themed modern novel "Bom-Crioulo", and a book of essays on the formation of Brazilian identity and mentality "Raízes do Brasil"), Alex Grey's "The Mission of Art", and the three books I had brought from Spain to read on the flight to Brazil: "The Boy with Striped Pyjamas", Oshos's "Creativity" and my German workbook with CD.On top of that, there's Deepak Chopra's "Way of the Wizard", that I would love to have there; the CDs, which won't be many anyway; and, Gods help me, the sheet music I had vowed to take back. These are the ones that should probably stay. I had promised my ex-choir director, the one the Faeries drew me apart from last (NH) Summer, that I'd give him Brazilian music with SATB arrangements, which I had from my old, lovely choir in Sampa. But then, Music lately hasn't seemed to be such a grateful thing to sacrifice other things for, and I'm not sure it's wise, fair or even fun to go back to study solfege anyway...

It's an awful thing I don't have any of my Divination systems here to aid me in deciding, and honestly, blogging/writing used to be more helpful. But in any case, I've been feeling good for taking gifts to Spain, so I'm going to focus on that feeling of generosity, and everything else that needs to go will find their way into the bag.

Downstream and across the ocean. Here I go.