Function of Time #5: Energy

Before rythmn comes Energy.

It took me a while to realise that. I fell prey to my old fantasy of time shortage for a long time. I fret over age, I resented time-consuming responsibilities, I cut down on comfort, I walked the cutting edge. All to save time I realise now I have never even used. Now I have decided to let go of this imaginary fear, and go back to 9-to-6'ing.

It sucks for a large part, but I also benefit a lot from it: a stable income will allow me to explore in depth aspects of my Passion, a regular routine will give me structure and support for leaping and launching rockets of desire, building a career will let me reward those who help me and light up my fuse. And more.

The other side to that is that it really sucked up most of my stamina in this beginning. I work in a well-concealed hide-out way up North everyday, and after getting home from the long ride with connections I felt exhausted and wanted little more than having dinner and collapsing in bed to feel less sleepy at the office the next day.

But tonight the feeling has changed. Maybe it's just temporary excitement about my German class beginning tomorrow in the evening after work, but I'm really eager to use my evenings now. Way more than in my old life, before I got back to day-jobbing. I want to get back to making Music, be finally serious with Mandarin, astral-travel, queer-tango, cook. And go back to blogging about The Fine Art of Time Manipulation.

I have realised this job has energised me. And if I have Energy, I have plenty of Time. In that feeling, I am Eternity.

All I have to do now is feel the beat, and put a natural rythmn to this song. I'm sorry I missed this important one beat and did not wish a merry Equinox to all my friends all over the World this season. Many blessings of Light and Dark, of up and downbeat. Life would be terribly boring and meaningless without them.

Function of Time #4: Memory

It's late already, I'm dead-tired from a hard day of work and school, and I still want to sit and write this. The English language doesn't have many words for this feeling, so I say I "want" to write, but it's actually a special type of "want". It's not backed by enthusiasm, inspiration or lust. It's driven by a deep feeling of inadequacy, destitution and even maybe a little self-loathing.

I used to be good at this. I mean, better than I am now, and I used to change the world with every piece. I remember it, even though there is no evidence of this around me anymore, and this absence hurts me. I'm a slave to the memory of good times.

These past days I've been reminiscing about Brazil, about moving to Spain, about several things in the past, and how everything was so fresh, and so powerful, and so spontaneous, and nothing was as complicated as it is now. Songs have been coming back to me, the soundtrack of other times. "Dandelion Wine", "Marcas do Que Se Foi"...

Memory, actual or imaginary, is the raw material of storyteller's business. I've traded freshness for stories, and I've got quite a few to tell by now.

My blogging is about to change.

Image: tree spirit carved by Colin Patridge.

Function of Time #3: Maturity

It might be said that Maturity is the goal we as Birds decided to pursue when we came forth into the Physical. I personally disagree, but it is definetely not just a byproduct, but a process of Time, and Time is definetely characteristic of the Physical.

As a young brat, I never had any respect for the concept and the propaganda that revolved around maturity. But once it's here and you know it in your flesh, you know it's a good thing. Maturity has helped me sift, sophisticate and sediment my personal preferences, dreams and talents. Maturity allows more choice and a clever use of resources. Maturity has gifted me with the greatest of gifts, self-awareness. Maturity has pushed me to the edge, where the view is breathtaking. Maturity lets me have more fun.

On the other hand, I've been experiencing the feeling that the older you get, the harder it is to develop beneficial relationships. Boundaries are clearer, selfish intentions have a stronger call. And stupid games are just not necessarily part of the courtship anymore. Or at least, shouldn't.

Right now, I'm silently, elegantly letting go of quite a few relationships I've been cultivating for a while now. They just don't work, and aren't worth so much fuss. I'm not so enthusiastic about Couchsurfing anymore and I'm okay about admitting that. The vegetarians kept me company for two years, but are mostly gone by now. There are many people out there to meet, but frankly, not many of them are going to join my circle anyway. So, no rush. Time will reveal what I need to know, and provide.

This might be the first time in my life I'm truly fine with the idea of being alone.

Image borrowed from: http://really-rose.blogspot.com/

Function of Time #2: Cycle

Even though the last one was certainly not natural and maybe a bit too long, this blog has seen inherent ups and downs in the frequency of new writings. Likewise, most types of relationships have an unstoppable crescendo and an according waning that follows, possibly to extinction. Do I have to say anything about mood and personal vibration? There's a cycle to everything. And as I'm sure I've written here, there's Power and Joy in joining the prospective growth, as well as Grace and Divinity in letting go of what's inevitably fading away.

I guess I'm in a period of reassessing and renovating my social circle. Couchsurfing, which was my favourite playground for a long time, just doesn't do it for me anymore. A vibrant community of world-travellers and edgy creators has withered to a meet-up line for retarded post-teenagers wanting to get drunk together spending as little money as possible. Or am I becoming old?

Some of the real friends I made there turned out to be disfunctional relationships based on mistrust and feelings of leeriness. One is only good as a party animal, and the relationship doesn't take off from there. The other is obsessed with words that MIGHT come across as "negative" and "put people down", deterring from heartful connection and sincere communication. A third one is too cool for the rest of the world. And obviously there're the ones who went away on time.

Other friends I met on other crossroads are naturally gone, too. I gotta be changing, and I'm praying that the familiar knowledge that change is good if it brings me closer to my highest vision for my Self comes back to me.

So are some relationships going away, gracefully. Others are on the way. And I'm retriving my blogging magic. My natural being. Back to the beginning? Might be. But wherever I am now, I'm ready for another journey circle round.

Pop. The Black Pearl is back from Davy Jones' Locker. With Captain Sparrow on board!

All in all, it's a pleasant surprise and a perfect moment to see Tribe finally active again. Makes me wonder if there's actually an end for everything. And feel warm inside.

Image: Robert Lyn Nelson's "Society". He was the first favourite painter I've ever had. I had several t-shirts with paintings by him printed on them.

Function of Time #1: Moment

You see, I've been away for too long now, but I am very much still fascinated by the Time Element, and still learning from it. Right now, my favourite function of Time is Momentum. You know, this wave I've been missing time and time again in my Writing: Spring Equinox, Beltane, the day I applied for my Spanish citizenship, my 30 birthday. Not necessarily in this order, and definetely not only these.

Today I watched the power of Moment in human interactions and desires. My keen perception is something that takes me beyond gratitude these days. I don't know if I have anything else as valuable to me. The story happens on what I consider the biggest priviledge of my life in Spain, my gay men's yoga and meditation group. Indeed, the vast majority and almost totality of regulars is gay males, and on some days something (if not the Moon itself, probably a conspiracy of the Stars) decides that it's Time for heat. And from the beginning of the session on, there is a sharp scent of rutting stag in the air, filling the room throughout nevertheless perfect and very rewarding Yoga, meditation session, Heart Circle and other zen practices for three long hours. Then comes dinner as a group in a vegetarian restaurant.

Today was one of these special days. Fortunately, coinciding with my husband being out of town for the whole weekend. Before long, it was clear to everybody who would stay with who by the time dinner was over--some of them left in pairs immediately after we left the Yoga center. My favourite Tantra partner was all affection and physical intimacy with another friend. Some others avoided the swoosh by fleeing home. I was paired by chance with an old flirt, who happened to be in a bad moment: fresh split-up, resentment against his ex, high expectations, excessive focus on his emotional wounds, lack of trust in men in general.

I have this theory that Mr. Right is definetely not the right guy, but the right moment. My guy for tonight was in the wrong one. And as the others all came home accompanied, I came all by myself. He did, too.

I just didn't want to miss another moment and not post this here. I still hope I may be back to blogging.