Tuesday, February 14, 2006

A Day Thrice Incredible

Today I'm happy for three very specific reasons: First and foremost, it's St Valentine's Day, and while we don't celebrate it in São Paulo, they do in Madrid and my boyfriend and I decided to take this as a special occasion, because there's always enough reason to celebrate having found the love of your life, even if he lives way over the Atlantic.

Second, tonight I have my first fiddle class, and that is SO lovely, because even if I don't become a great fiddler, I will develop more of my ear and my sensitivity for melodies, which are at the heart of the music style I want to make.

Third, today is my first anniversary living in São Paulo. On February 14th 2004 I moved from Rio and the occasion was so important that it became like a second birthday to me. I am a happier, freer and more fulfilled person now, because even if I don't own everything I want, here I will always be able to look for them, and as my favourite quote from the Tao Te King has it, it's not achieving the goal that matters, but simply the joy of pursuing it. The glory of the journey itself.

Many times over the past couple of months people have asked the story of the move. I have considered many ways to tell it, and incredibly revealing ways to summarize it, but I will just sit here and tell it as it comes back to me, letting it flow, as it was the Flow that brought me over here.

The story starts like Andersen's 'the Ugly Duckling' (and probably would end like that, if I had arrived to the end already). I was this incredibly talented, charismatic, extravagant and creative lad, full of stuff to say and really no space to say it. Many awful consequences derived from this, and I managed to survive through them, and I started to believe life was being an ugly duckling forever: being actually rejected in what I called home, having people (especially my parents and all kinds of doctors and counsellors) tell me all the time how inconvenient (to be euphemistic really) I was. What they meant, and they were indeed right, is that I didn't fit. And they kept inventing ways to make me fit. All kinds of shit, that would take forever to enumerate here, but my Morning Pages have everything pretty well-documented, and nothing of that worked. It was pretty simple to solve the problem: drama school, or guitar or dance lessons, or even a few crayons and watercolour--anything that would help me channel my immense emotional energy would have done, but sincerely it was beyond the adults I unfortunately had around me back then, and I had only learnt anger, frustration and repression from people around me. Not their fault, really, but still I have the right to admit their arseholeness to myself and exorcize the poison I had distilled on me for twenty four years.

(Outro: if you think I am being the crybaby, stop reading and move on to another blog. There's actually no point in reading this if you don't resonate with my medicine)

Then graduation came. I left college having done everything the shrew I have for a mother expected me to, even the major she chose for me to take. And then I very happily didn't succeed at anything I had tried so hard, and ended up poor, unemployed and left along the road by the useless, fake 'friends' I had piled up around me. The duckling dropped off the cat and the hen. You can shove your 'if you don't make the same sounds we do, you suck' attitude up your arse, thanks. I enjoy being a lyric tenor. :)

Also, at that time, I also had a severe heartbreak with my Spiritual Path. Then, at the bottom of the Pit, surrounded by a deep healing solitude and an eerie silent peace, you inevitably discover your real strength. I woke up to the fact that I was denying everything I was feeling, and denying everything I was, period. I went back to writing, pathworking, vision quests, the Wheel Year and Soul Retrieve, and my guide the Butterfly worked Its Medicine on me. I cocooned. I undertook Julia Cameron's 'the Artist's Way' and focused all my vast Passion into it, I invested every resource and all of the time I had on my Creative Recovery, and had an amazing time. I discovered who I actually was, and decided that it, who I was, was my true treasure, the only thing I had through fowl and fair, hell or high water. The only asset and superpower I owned and needed was me. Amazing Awen. Awen the Shining. So I let go of people, of routines, of titles, of degrees, of many, many garbage I had packed and was carrying in my back, like Atlas carries Gaia. Then, as one throws a fit, as one takes over the whole Universe, I kicked the whole shit up, and decided I had nothing to lose. Boy, I had myself. I could see now I had talents, I had willpower, I had charms and Magic, I had sex-appeal, I had Creativity. I had everything someone really needs. And none of those you can really lose, nor can someone take them from you. So, free of fear, I needed to change my surroundings to match my newborn Self.

The fire of a Supernova burns real hot. Rio was having a burnout with my Blue Fire. I instinctively (hell, yeah, I even had instincts TOO, now!!!) knew Sampa, the largest city in the Sourthern Hemisphere could take it. And I moved over, with no relatives or friends, no place to stay, free of rotten prejudices and naked from ill influences. It was a real adventure, but I knew Synchronicity would take care of things, as it took. And here is the moment of the story when the so-called duckling, after seeing his reflection on the Waters, looks up and sees the other White Swans. He discovers real community. Beautiful, big hearted people, with artistic skills and shining personalities now hang out with me, visit me, have me visit them and as a clan we go down on awesome endeavours.

I love my life now, because well, I have a life to love. I mean, a LIFE, not some twisted view of what my mother sees on the soap operas and tries to shove down my throat by means of force and emotional blackmail. Those days are over. They existed, and I won't deny them or pretend they don't have effects today: I still stammer, and I still have a colossal inability to deal with termagants. I'm sorry for you cats and hens and ducks reading me right now. I won't make your sounds, I won't look like you. Nevermore. I have more money, more freedom, more songs, more poetry, more tales and much, much more ground to roam on now that I fly with my white swan wings.

And now that I have me, that I have seen my swan complexion on the Waters, I know my own strength. I can overcome anything. I am amazing indeed.