Starweaver

"Cuando miro de noche en el fondo
oscuro del cielo
las estrellas temblar, como ardientes
pupilas de fuego,
me parece posible a do brillan
subir en un vuelo
y anergarme en su luz, y con ellas
en lumbre ecendido
fundirme en un beso"

(Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer, Rima VIII)

Holy Mother, You are the intense mishmash of Love, Indifference and Mystery that holds the Web of Stars together.

They name you Void. But You are All-that-Is, and in Your orgasm you cum Possibilities.

Holy Mother, You are the lustful Will to expand and transform, the Creative Force that nudges the flower all the way through the green stem to bloom at the end.

They call you Placid. But You will never have rest, You will never have enough.

They call you Paradigm, but You are Paradox.

They call you Crucible, but you are the heat that melts the metal.

They call you Universe, but you are just too many.

And I surrender into You. I am You.

Blessed Be.

Creative Project for the Long Haul

I want to be a classical singer.

I have been taking voice lessons with a private coach, and even though she more frequently than I would like cancels my lessons, I have been improving a lot. My projection, support stamina and even my belting are pretty good for a beginner, but my ear sucks probably due to a total lack of musical background in my childhood and adolescence, which I am currently trying desperately to compensate for. Everyday on the train to the office I listen to a CD with Bona's solfege method recorded, and everynight I sing a few lessons of Vaccaj' 'Metodo Pratico di Canto Italiano di Camera'. I have been improving at an amazing speed, and I bet that by June I'll be already sight-singing and even attempting compositions and songwriting, which are my short-term creative project.

Last night I went to watch a recital of Schumman lied cycles. Three black singers, one black pianist (which was VERY nice to see in a racist country such as Brazil) and a very conservative structure of presentation. The performances were fabulous, especially the Mezzo-soprano part, but to be honest, a little bit of envy raved throughout the whole show. The resumes of performers were there, on the libretto: those singers had started studying at the age of eight, won scholarships for London's Royal Academy and travelled all over with shows. They earn their living out of classical singing performances. The least we can expect from them is an awesome performance! I couldn't help asking myself what those divas and divo would do if they had to start at the age of 25, living all by themselves, having to husband a whole apartment alone, work nine office hours a day to pay bills, do grocery and survive the train I take every day and every evening. And their coach cancelling weekly lessons twice a month!

This is not fair that they get laurels.

An alien from the past

Yesterday I had this rare opportunity to confirm one's initiation and transformation. I met an old friend. A friend from college.

The first three minutes of the meeting were enlivening. His eyes shined when he saw me, and I would bet mine did too. We sat on the same table. Between overwhelming calls he received in his mobile, he started to disparage the restaurant in a really mean vocabulary. Then my food arrived and he disparaged my food in a very journalistic fashion as well (or should I say, 'as bad'?). Then I mentioned an Art place in Sampa I'd like to visit and hadn't had the opportunity yet, and again more belittling came my way. I was leaving my fiddle class, fulfilling a creative dream, and he was going to watch a jazz concert--certainly not for fun, but to meet a key contact that could hire him for a meaningless private magazine about another beer label or remote resort. All the four years without seeing each other, once full of stories and insights and jokes and gossip and inspiration to share all of a sudden became blank. We had nothing to share. So we pretend we did, and told a brief summary of our past three years.

He came over to maintain the journalist facade. I moved because I torn Maya's veil and broke free. Three years ago, we were very, very close. Two ugly ducklings with a crucial choice ahead: play the game or lean towards the edge. And each of us went one way, towards our own swanhood.

Now Paulo is one of the refugees from Rio de Janeiro bankrupcity, working as a journalist in a posh district here in a city with his own name but which he hates, doing the average work of an average outsourced journalist: breaking hearts and trampling over people to dig a piece of news out of nowhere. And then sell these news to people who actually don't care a fuck about them.

And I am a born-again artist, who resigned the lies and games, and devote my time to creative expression, healing myself, my playmates and Gaia, and working wonders that not even I can understand myself yet.

I finished eating, obviously without tasting the probably delicious leek and cabbage palm sauce spaghetti (of course I ordered spaghetti--I thought I would eat alone!) that an overdose of sarcasm and criticism wouldn't let me TASTE, we promised to get in touch again, talk more, bla, bla, bla, and he vanished with his journalist friend who talked so mean of the Instituto Tomie Ohtake.

And I was left there in the restaurant he hated, with the food he hated, and went back to my life he would probably hate too.

And the meeting was over. Like that old life I had, that would make me what Paulo is now: cynical, skeptic and very bitter, hating the place he lives in because he hates himself.

Please remind me

Astrologer genious Rob Brezsny wrote for my sign this week:

"I don't know why we are here," wrote philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein, "but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves." His feelings contrast sharply with that of the poet Robert Bly, who edited a book of sacred poems entitled The Soul Is Here for Its Own Joy. Which of these two approaches are you inclined to follow, Pisces? I believe you're at a crossroads: The direction you choose to endorse and emphasize now will shape your destiny for a long time.

Please, good friends, remind me that life is meant to be lived in Joy!!

A Worthy Cause

My noble friend Scott Fifer is working on changing the lives of his little foreign friends with Art. It was a promise, and he needs as much help as we can give. Here is what he has to say and I support him wholeheartedly. We all have our share in the present state the world is, so let's make the world an awesome place for as many people as we can!

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I recently returned from volunteer work in Africa where I met a wonderful group of orphans living at the TunaHAKI Shelter for Street Kids. One of the kids is 11-year-old Colman Msafiri. When he was 6, his father died, and he was left in the care of his mentally ill mother. She left him at a bus stop and she told him to wait for her. He waited at the bus stop for one week, but his mother never came back, and he was forced to live on the street. Now Colman lives at the TunaHAKI Centre for Street Children in the village of Moshi, Kilimanjaro region, Tanzania, where he receives shelter, food, clothing, medical care, education, and instruction in acrobatics and dance. Thanks to TunaHAKI, he now dreams to be a professional artist.I want to bring the children of TunaHAKI to America to study with professional gymnasts, acrobats, aerialists, dancers and other artists. The children are so eager to learn, so hungry for knowledge - any chance to study with professionals will exceed their wildest dreams. They will be able to see first-hand that there is a future in their art if they continue their professionalism and training. It will give them something of inestimable value, and that is hope. This exchange trip abroad would have long-lasting effects in their local community. The ultimate goal of TunaHAKI is to become self-sustaining. Word of the trip would spread like wildfire and TunaHAKI would receive national publicity in Tanzania, which means more people would want them to perform at local functions, which means more income for the Centre. Word would also spread to other street children. They will hear about the TunaHAKI street kids who worked hard and got to take an airplane to another country, and they too would want to work hard. It would undoubtedly lead to the rescue of more homeless children from the streets. In addition to studying, the children really want to meet and perform for other homeless kids, here in America (something they specifically requested). I also want to hold fundraisers so we can build them a permanent home. They have no source of permanent funding (the kids wear old clothes, sleep three to a bed, and all money goes toward food, education, and medical care). I am looking for corporate sponsors, organizations to get involved and raise money, individual donations… Maybe groups interested in acrobatics or in helping orphans, or groups interested in connecting to Africa… These are truly wonderful kids and this trip could be a turning point in their lives. For more information, contact Scott Fifer at fiferscott@netscape.net. You can also learn more about the kids by visiting www.tunahaki.com/.

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Do not let Scott and these kids down. Get involved. Even if all you can afford is doing as little as I am, which is promoting Scott's text in the Internet, you'll be increasing the chances to get the tickets to get the kids to this side of the Ocean, lodging or food. Anything helps!

Birthday Party

Wow, I love being loved!!

Last night was pure joy. I did have my closest friends with me in my house for an unpretentious get-together, mostly to chill-out from the horrible atmosphere of gossip and treachery that has installed in the office. Sensitive as I am to my environment, I got really down by the end of last week; so, inspired by my handsome boyfriend, I decided I'd assemble a taskforce to lift my Spirit once more. I called my best buddy Marina (who recently scored second position in a national Jewelry Design competition--Go Marina, go!!), my fellow storytellers Karina and Acacia, my workbuddies Tish, Rod and Serginho, and naturally my roommate (who doesn't share a room with me, but the rest of the flat) Lilian. Sometime in the middle of the night, a drink was invented, with vodka, peach and black tea, and we named it Awen. Hehe. We had a great time with soothing songs by Seal, Luka Bloom, Damien Rice and Beck. Karina and I told stories, Rod told his terrific jokes and by one a.m., our conversation had covered most of the territory the Human Intellect could roam over the past five or six centuries. Many of them lived far, so we ended the party soon (!?!?), but I know we could have been still there if we didn't have an office day today.

As material gifts, I got red and white carnations, chocolate and this stunning watercolour Serginho painted. We took some beautiful pictures too, and as soon as Tish uploads them, I'll post them somewhere online. To see some of Serginho's paintings, visit http://www.galeriamalivillasboas.com.br/Members/sergiomiller . The watercolour he gave me is part of a series called 'Trapeze Acrobat', an experimentation with Nankin and Golden Watercolour (!). Breathtaking!

I am feeling on the top of the world now, and only wish I could bring you online friends to my little home last night.

You were there in Spirit.

Thank you for being my believing mirrors. There's nothing else I could need more than this.

St Paddy's

This is the unofficial day dedicated to us Celtic Spirits born of all races, in all places. Celebrate the love we share for this Ancient, Beautiful Glory!!

"Ah, Exiles wandering over lands and seas,
And planning, plotting always that some morrow
May set a stone upon ancestral Sorrow!
I also bear a bell-branch full of ease."

(W.B. Yeats)

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!!

Slán Agus Beannacht,
Awen

For Our Personal Freedom

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1
Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2
Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3
Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4
Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

So it is said

"Where so ever this flag is flown the dharma will increase."

Normal

I am normal, healthy and predictable.

I concluded that yesterday, after hearing that the company's psychologist breastfeeds her husband regularly. I am pretty glad I am not that bizarre.

Despite the Fear

Lately I've been overconsidering if I should write about certain things on my blog or not. But after my Born-Again-Creative breakthrough, I had decided that anytime the choice was let it out or hold it back, I would go for expression and freedom, and for any Type Four's Holy Grail: Spontaneity.

What do I have to worry about, anyway? My manager in Hollywood afraid of the repercussions?? My hordes of supporters feeling betrayed by my sincerity?? Get a life. I have nothing to be afraid of, except for going back to my old life of repression, hesitation and blockage. JC says, 'do not pick the first fear. The first fear to the creative is what the first drink is for the alcoholic'. Here I am, folks, going vocal.

Today I want to talk about the plan that is central to my life right now, moving to Madrid. It's gonna take some good months, probably over a year, but I am already freaking out in large advance 'cos if I didn't, I would be somebody else, not Awen. And not being Awen sucks and stinks real bad. I'm sorry for you, my readers. My heart goes out to you now.

Hehe.

Now, serious. I'm really scared of ANOTHER big jump like this. I am still trying to get used to living alone in São Paulo, and just imagine, here my parents are one state away. It's not that I depend on them for anything, because I don't (except for some food my mom cooks for me once I month, freezes and packs up so that I can bring over to Sampa with me -- because SHE wants to!). But here I can go visit them every month. I hate going there, I hate that house and the painful memories, I hate not having anything I like around when I'm there. And I hate the crossed looks from the neighbourhood. But still it pains me to know that I won't be able to go back to Rio for a short visit every month and experience this addictive behaviour of dropping all my anger, frustration, alien syndrome and revolt in the place I was born and raised. After I move to Madrid, I'll be able to come only once or twice a year--If I'm lucky enough to make enough money.

Also, I'll miss São Paulo really bad. This city and the vastly broad horizons stifled among the skyscrappers will always remind me of how redeeming my choice was in the beginning of 2005, the best year in my life.

Hm.

I was going to write about my Witchcraft Training also, which is probably the longest novel I'll have ever written here one day in the Future, but I will procrastinate a bit more on that. One day, I'll have courage enough, and be clear enough, to write sincerely about that.

Here it is. Today's entry. How brave am I to post this??

Will-building Season

The awesome astrologer Rob Brezsny wrote this advice for Pisceans this week:

"Of all the arguments made in favor of getting regular exercise, I rarely hear the one that's most important to me: Do it because it strengthens and tones the power of your will. When you get used to rousing yourself out of your physical inertia, the habit carries over into the mental and spiritual sphere. You find it easier to force yourself out of your comfort zones and push toward the next frontier. You're less likely to procrastinate and accept mediocrity, and you actually enjoy challenging yourself with worthy goals that require strenuous effort. It's now the will-building season for you, Pisces. You know what to do."

Here is what I am currently doing to 'build Will':

- I am listening to a CD with recorded intervals and scales on my discman everyday on my way to the office, so that instead of whining in mumbles or listening to the awful music loudspeakers play, I train my musical ear.

- I have decided to stop procrastinating on getting my passport. The Italian one is gonna take over a year, so I'll have the Brazilian for my little honeymoon in Buenos Aires with my Enchanted Prince in November. I have printed the list of requirements from Brazilian government website this morning, and tomorrow I'll start bringing everything together. ¡¡Ciudad de la Furia, aquí voy yo!! Gods, I hope my Spanish will have improved enough by then!

- I am incorporating new words and blessings on my daily Three Souls Work. There are the prayers Valerie published in her asskicking website on Feri Tradition stuff, and some I am writing my Self. Slowly and without huge demands, I'm getting back on track with my Spirituality and Priesthood.

- I'm definetely committed to regular Piano playing just for fun. No expectations, no anxiety, no goals, no perfectionism. Just the delightful process of feeling the soft resistance of the keys beneath my fingers, and the sweet sound they make when I push them just a little bit harder.

- I'll be getting my act together for the group round of Julia Cameron's 'the Artist's Way' starting on the 14th. Many people in the group do not own the book, so that will require a lot of explanation of the Principles and the Basic Tools from me. Well, if I offered to facilitate that group, I need to live up to everyone's needs (with no expectations, mind you).

What are you doing to build your will?

HELLO, MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

I pretty glad I have a blog.

You know, gang, I just go around the web, and see old friends of mine who are publishing their poetry, gallerying their acrylics, watercolouring children's books and recording backing vocals or bass for somebody else's album. And I am here, with nothing to show off. No artistic resume. Then I realise I am envying them badly. Real badly. And I make a list of everyone I envy, and why I envy them, and what I can do about it, That's when I discover that I envy them all for the same basic reason. They have an audience. Just like me here, in my blog.

Gods, my blog makes me so happy!

Call for Creative Recovery Group!

Friends, Morning Pages procrastinators, peers and passers-by,

I am planning to start another round of 'the Artist's Way' this month (March), and I thought of inviting people who would like to go through it as a group. If everyone interested agrees, I suggest we to start on March 12th, but we might start this weekend as well. I'm totally open to suggestions and I have started a group on Yahoo to discuss our stuff privately.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/awenscreativerecovery/

Anyone who wishes to join the group is welcome! The sooner we get a quorum, the sooner the fun starts!!