Thursday, December 22, 2005

I wish me Serenity

Just because my feelings do not match those of people on TV doesn't mean they're illegitimate.
That is the lesson I learnt last night, when I went to bed crying. I cried because I don't have an older crone or sage to rely on on an emotional level, and to teach me serenity and confidence. Instead, I have parents with great intentions but who just drive me more anxious, insecure and feeling like a loser who will never ever get anything right everytime we talk, even over the phone, one state away. I really think I could be a more fluent artist, and not a stammering childish tease if I had received some, ANY support early in life, and if I had it right now, I'd feel great.
Then I started crying because I was being childish and demanding and expecting too much from other people. And then shame, an old company, surfaced again. And I got really mad at myself, until I cooled down and discovered how I could wish myself more serenity.
Once I went to an Al-Anon meeting, and was enchanted how everytime someone ends a speech they wish everybody else '24 hours of serenity and sobriety'. I wish someone wished me that. Especially my parents.
This morning I read a question left on my blog by my fellow storyteller Karina, "where is the goldfish?" Immediately I let slip, "He's out in the Sea". He is independent now, but that doesn't stop him from crying sometimes. Thanks Goodness!