New Year Resolution '11

Heeding the Music
That guides me around
I loosen, unshackle,
and lift off the ground

As the beat won't stop
I'll flow and I'll rock
I'll stomp and repeat
And follow the beat
And dance on ad lib
And never have fear

And if it's down tempo
I vow to sway and remain
Focused on basic routines
Serene, no rushing the train

As the beat won't stop
I'll flow and I'll rock
I'll stomp and repeat
And follow the beat
And dance on ad lib
And never have fear

And above all the casting
Of spells, binds and charms
I offer undivided attention
to the song of my heart

As the beat won't stop
I'll flow and I'll rock
I'll stomp and repeat
And follow the beat
And dance on ad lib
And never have fear

Tree

My Autumn this year was very creative, as I knew it would be after a Spring of plowing and sowing and a Summer of expansion and celebration. Harvest was marvellous, and I can barely believe I've manifested for myself such amazing opportunities. My German teacher this year is awesome, very experient and very, very good. I'm always inspired in the class, and I learn from her not just a lot of German, but also how to be a better language teacher. I've found myself a Queer tango group here in Madrid, and have become a decent queer tanguero, pretty skilled in both roles, leader and follower. I'm so proud of my musical skills, that everytime I sit to improvise on the keys, or vocalise a little bit, or burst out in song, I feel shocked. And I haven't been drifting and bouncing around, looking for affection and sympathy, anymore. I've built a romance to remember in Italy earlier this month. I'm mature.

I've been away from my studies and training in the Craft of the Wise, though. My Craft is definetely still with me, and is very much a second nature, which I'm thankful for, but with so much going on, a strong desire to simplify in order to see clearly, and a heightened sense of responsibility in this advanced stage of my Saturn's Return, I was not willing to overburden myself with more. The Craft knows how to lurk in the shadows (always present!) before coming back to the spotlight.

I feel it's time to come back, though. Before the late sunrise in this shortest day of the year, I woke up several times with vivid and intense dreams and messages from the Otherworld. By now, almost time for the earliest sunset I'll see in a year, I've got only memories of strange characters and a clear message to go back to the Ways of the Land. I know what I will be busy with this Winter instead.

It's Midwinter today, and I had plan to enjoy the following many days off work and school to bask in my very fresh Music gift. But I guess I will also dedicate to taking small, baby steps back to the Old Ways my feet know well. I'm a seasoned witch, and a creative being in a personal zenith. Nothing has ever been out of reach, but with a tree of my nature the branches stem and move a long way from the trunk. I'll navigate my personal Tree of Life this coming season, and recount, revisit, retrieve, reground. And learn more. And keep growing. And move on.

Sincerity let me will. Trust made me dare. Simplicity helped me know. Wisdom led me to keep silent. Now I resolve to know myself in all my parts, so that I'm ready when the time to blossom comes around once again.

Image: Spiral tree from Seattle Metal Craft.

Fountain of Youth

2010. What a Summer. I feel like my real life began just now.

Berlin was everything I always wanted to experience: daily dates with highly interesting men, easy and reliable friendships, flaneuring, bike riding, tango, music and a little bit of Witchcraft, all very well-balanced. Cologne was hawt: the coolest Pride ever, a handsome Summer affair, kinky stickers, tight underwear moments shared with a semi-stranger. Swansea was a melodic composition of music, silence, scandal and nothing-left-to-say. São Paulo was my fix and my eventual realisation that I have changed: silly social situations that offered very little, deep conversations on a new level with old friends, the clear paradox of loneliness in companionship and all it can teach about yourself and your needs. And Rio was all the crucible I resolved to use to begin life anew, and then some.

Today, in the last week of this super-magical and super-intense Summer, I've had the first professional reading in many years. An Obi lady, at a Umbanda house with a terrible vibe and lots of Catholic-Santería synchretic images, told me too many things about myself, my spiritual configuration, Water deities that patronise me, my past and my future. And the waterfall of memories, insight and resolutions that followed helped empower me again, after such a long time without proper grounding.

I discovered so much. When she told me that at the age of about 3 I was already leaving apart from my parents, and at the age of 9 I was already a lonely adult, I realised everything I missed my whole life: learning about relationships, learning to love and accept other people's emotions in a constructive way, music, adventures, playfulness. She said, "you were already an adult". And later on she insisted with me that I was young. In fact, she began the reading with the words, "you're still very young". And together with that the memories of bosses and lovers accusing me of being childish and immature cascaded in my mind. But with the new information of myself, shared with me with an astounding serenity, instead of feeling overwhelmed I was able to connect the dots and realise the Red Thread of my life. I haven't learned the mystery of Age in practice yet. This was priceless, even though the reading was very expensive.

I stayed the whole day with the hurt feeling and the understanding that my inner child needs attention, companionship and space to be an actual child. My inner child still begs to be taken care of, shown things about Self and others, played with, taken out to play. I need emotional education, like most of humankind. And I'm determined to provide myself with all I need, especially healing.

I've already journeyed to meet with my Inner Child tonight. What I learned was much and still being processed, but I already look different in the mirror. Mirror work is part of the tasks assigned by the reader, and I know I need it. The basics of Time Manipulation have it that to understand that when I know the way and am determined, Time's on my side.

Watch me as I grow younger now.

Image: Boto, a river dolphin from the Amazon.

Weitertrauen

After succeeding in all examinations at school and returning from my 2 days in Barcelona, I've spent quite a few days preparing Germany. I am going to hit a major personal landmark by getting there. The German language was my final fantasy of capricious youth before diving head-first into full adulthood and strict responsibility for my life, my decisions and my chronic thought patterns. I embraced the tongue of poets and thinkers like a worthy lover, like there was no tomorrow, and I allowed in all emotions, vistas, lore and possibilities it encompassed. Two years later, one "next little step" after another, I've managed to find myself a two-week inmersion in one of the most vibrant cities in the West. Berlin. And the hottest Pride parade in Europe to boot. Köln.

And I want to be ready if this most huge baby step unfolds and makes for another. I will just keep saying Yes.

Image: me, loving life in Parc de la Ciutatela, one week ago in Barcelona.

Still on

My story with the German language sounds too much like a sugary love story, with the perfect combination of serendipty and obstacles. And overcoming.

It all began when my vocal coach and I started a new Lied by Mozart, "Warnung", and then "Abendempfindung". Mozart is good for singing students, and I particularly love his songs. And that Jessye Norman's interview I had read several years ago still echoed in my mind. She was giving concerts in Brazilian cities and the newspaper my father subscribed to asked her if she was singing anything in Portuguese, to which she replied, "oh no, I'm sorry but I only sing in a language I can speak, it's more honest with the audience". So I figured that if I was going to sing in German, it would be less than artistic to do so without an understanding of what I was saying--and no, a translation in mind wouldn't do.

So, serendiptiously, a friend on Facebook invited me to this language learning online community still in its Beta version and free, Livemocha. They had an online course that wasn't really that good, but the community was vibrant, helpful and thriving. People actually helped each other without any expectation of reward. On there, I made several new friends, some of which recommended me further sources and tools, and I got from Ina, a German teacher of her native language in Paris, the heads-up for Deutsche Welle, which along with its amazing, free courses and podcasts (that I use to this day), became one of my favourite playgrounds in the web. I was with the Deutsch Interaktiv course for less than a year, but I completed the whole thing. During this time, I also had a language exchange with my German friend Tatjana, and after a whole year learning together, we flew to Zürich for Europride, and I enjoyed the opportunity to talk to the locals in German, and did pretty well.

Now, all of this was between Summer'08 and Spring '09. In May '09 I took an entrance exam at the local language school here in my neighbourhood (language learning in Europe is so cheap, convenient and easy!). Nobody I told, not even myself at first flush, could believe the results: after one year without classes or presential courses, they gave me the fourth year of the whole six-year program, corresponding to level B1.2 of the Common European Framework for Languages!

I was so enthusiastic about German now, that I resolved to make it the center of my life. Everything else I had invested in didn't work, but German did, and so smoothly that I didn't have the heart to deny a single second of my free time to this beautiful, beautiful language. So I invested the whole Summer in taking yet another course on Deutsche Welle's website, and got ready for another year of immense headway.

Then came Autumn, and because I had been unemployed, the Spanish government gifted me with a free course in Webdesigning. The course, aimed at unemployed people, was fulltime and every single day of the week, and I couldn't go to the language school until well into December. But I never let go of the position there, waiting for me.

When I finally managed to receive my first live lesson in German ever, I left the classroom with mixed feelings. I was much more able to speak and communicate in the language than I had imagined, and with real books and a class structure, I had such a marvellous nourishing environment that as a language teacher myself I knew would be extremely beneficial to me. But the teacher was an idiot. So were all of my classmates.

Of course, the whole thing by then had affected my ego, but the way my peers at school, teacher and fellow students, behaved was so disheartening that it was hard for me to adapt to that. I held my ground and exercised my patience, but also spoke only German during the class, brought always my monolingual dictionary with me, handed in all homework on time, arrived punctual, seized every second of every lesson, kept track of time and goals of every exercise, joined all group activities with a vision of learning and camaraderie. Even though none of the colleagues did so. And even though the teacher discouraged it.

Now the course has come to an end. Wednesday was our last class, and we were left with 40% of the book/contents blank and untouched. And the friends were confused. And the teacher was looking like a failure in front of the class. And I was a bit brokenhearted, since I had been living a romantic dream with those lessons, not just a chore.

They spent the whole year messing around and letting it all down the drain. Over these last couple of weeks, they were asking me for private lessons while waiting for the teacher, always late. I gave them. Now I'm sure until the final examinations, in middle of June, I'll have them ask me again. But I'll refuse this time. I don't need to feed their bad habits. They need to ask that from the teacher, not from a friend they laughed at. I need to focus and work on the contents that weren't taught in class, so that I don't miss this opportunity and fail in the finals. We've got much to study. I want to pass, and I know how to do this. I have done before.

I know this is the next hurdle, and I'm ready for it.

Grace

It doesn't matter how much abuse you've suffered, or what happened to you, if you show yourself everyday the Grace that there is in the love your Divine Parent has for you, and the natural state of being that Love is, you will realise what is true and what is not. You will realise yourself. And this means taking nobody else's shit.

Today I am thankful.

Waxing Mystical

Never underestimate the power a day without dates or plans has to transform things.

After a Saturday swept away by cleaning, household drama, and a soccer meeting followed by helping a friend getting laid, Sunday began lazy. Whatever little I had planned to do (cook lunch, German homework), all was clear and checked by noontime, and the long, late Springtime afternoon that follow set Magic afoot: listening to an Abraham Vortex workshop, blog-reading and blog-writing, a reading with my Osho Zen Tarot, interesting discussions in Internet forums, shopping for books online (dangerous one!), and revitalising the Witchcraft training I began in March. I wound up ordering a book on Amazon on Astral Travel. Perfect!

Things are moving again.

Image: Abyssinian Hare, by Jeff Kerby.

Summer Vistas

The heat season has begun, I guess. I already feel like staying in an air-conditioned room all day when I'm not away, and making as many travel plans for the Summer as possible and affordable. So far, I've got Germany, Brazil and Wales/England.

Berlin will be my 2nd live-abroad experience, and I'm definetely looking forward to it. And hoping that the bastards at the Spanish government pay me on time for the work I did for them last month. This is the money I'll use to book the flight and rent a room in the German capital and apparently world's coolest city for 2 weeks or one whole month, in order to practice my German and network as much as possible in yet another culture.

Wales and England are a gift from the husband. He wants to visit a friend who lives there, and he knows I identify a lot with the culture, so he's bringing me with him.

Brazil is where my family of origin and the best friends I have in this Universe live, so I want to go back for refreshment and an identity fix.

If everything goes right, and I expect it does, I'll manage to spend the whole heat season out of this overpriced oven that is Madrid in the Summer.

Image: Unter den Linden's Festival of Lights, from http://www.flickr.com/photos/webinteger

Function of Time #4: Memory

It's late already, I'm dead-tired from a hard day of work and school, and I still want to sit and write this. The English language doesn't have many words for this feeling, so I say I "want" to write, but it's actually a special type of "want". It's not backed by enthusiasm, inspiration or lust. It's driven by a deep feeling of inadequacy, destitution and even maybe a little self-loathing.

I used to be good at this. I mean, better than I am now, and I used to change the world with every piece. I remember it, even though there is no evidence of this around me anymore, and this absence hurts me. I'm a slave to the memory of good times.

These past days I've been reminiscing about Brazil, about moving to Spain, about several things in the past, and how everything was so fresh, and so powerful, and so spontaneous, and nothing was as complicated as it is now. Songs have been coming back to me, the soundtrack of other times. "Dandelion Wine", "Marcas do Que Se Foi"...

Memory, actual or imaginary, is the raw material of storyteller's business. I've traded freshness for stories, and I've got quite a few to tell by now.

My blogging is about to change.

Image: tree spirit carved by Colin Patridge.

Function of Time #3: Maturity

It might be said that Maturity is the goal we as Birds decided to pursue when we came forth into the Physical. I personally disagree, but it is definetely not just a byproduct, but a process of Time, and Time is definetely characteristic of the Physical.

As a young brat, I never had any respect for the concept and the propaganda that revolved around maturity. But once it's here and you know it in your flesh, you know it's a good thing. Maturity has helped me sift, sophisticate and sediment my personal preferences, dreams and talents. Maturity allows more choice and a clever use of resources. Maturity has gifted me with the greatest of gifts, self-awareness. Maturity has pushed me to the edge, where the view is breathtaking. Maturity lets me have more fun.

On the other hand, I've been experiencing the feeling that the older you get, the harder it is to develop beneficial relationships. Boundaries are clearer, selfish intentions have a stronger call. And stupid games are just not necessarily part of the courtship anymore. Or at least, shouldn't.

Right now, I'm silently, elegantly letting go of quite a few relationships I've been cultivating for a while now. They just don't work, and aren't worth so much fuss. I'm not so enthusiastic about Couchsurfing anymore and I'm okay about admitting that. The vegetarians kept me company for two years, but are mostly gone by now. There are many people out there to meet, but frankly, not many of them are going to join my circle anyway. So, no rush. Time will reveal what I need to know, and provide.

This might be the first time in my life I'm truly fine with the idea of being alone.

Image borrowed from: http://really-rose.blogspot.com/

Function of Time #2: Cycle

Even though the last one was certainly not natural and maybe a bit too long, this blog has seen inherent ups and downs in the frequency of new writings. Likewise, most types of relationships have an unstoppable crescendo and an according waning that follows, possibly to extinction. Do I have to say anything about mood and personal vibration? There's a cycle to everything. And as I'm sure I've written here, there's Power and Joy in joining the prospective growth, as well as Grace and Divinity in letting go of what's inevitably fading away.

I guess I'm in a period of reassessing and renovating my social circle. Couchsurfing, which was my favourite playground for a long time, just doesn't do it for me anymore. A vibrant community of world-travellers and edgy creators has withered to a meet-up line for retarded post-teenagers wanting to get drunk together spending as little money as possible. Or am I becoming old?

Some of the real friends I made there turned out to be disfunctional relationships based on mistrust and feelings of leeriness. One is only good as a party animal, and the relationship doesn't take off from there. The other is obsessed with words that MIGHT come across as "negative" and "put people down", deterring from heartful connection and sincere communication. A third one is too cool for the rest of the world. And obviously there're the ones who went away on time.

Other friends I met on other crossroads are naturally gone, too. I gotta be changing, and I'm praying that the familiar knowledge that change is good if it brings me closer to my highest vision for my Self comes back to me.

So are some relationships going away, gracefully. Others are on the way. And I'm retriving my blogging magic. My natural being. Back to the beginning? Might be. But wherever I am now, I'm ready for another journey circle round.

Pop. The Black Pearl is back from Davy Jones' Locker. With Captain Sparrow on board!

All in all, it's a pleasant surprise and a perfect moment to see Tribe finally active again. Makes me wonder if there's actually an end for everything. And feel warm inside.

Image: Robert Lyn Nelson's "Society". He was the first favourite painter I've ever had. I had several t-shirts with paintings by him printed on them.

Function of Time #1: Moment

You see, I've been away for too long now, but I am very much still fascinated by the Time Element, and still learning from it. Right now, my favourite function of Time is Momentum. You know, this wave I've been missing time and time again in my Writing: Spring Equinox, Beltane, the day I applied for my Spanish citizenship, my 30 birthday. Not necessarily in this order, and definetely not only these.

Today I watched the power of Moment in human interactions and desires. My keen perception is something that takes me beyond gratitude these days. I don't know if I have anything else as valuable to me. The story happens on what I consider the biggest priviledge of my life in Spain, my gay men's yoga and meditation group. Indeed, the vast majority and almost totality of regulars is gay males, and on some days something (if not the Moon itself, probably a conspiracy of the Stars) decides that it's Time for heat. And from the beginning of the session on, there is a sharp scent of rutting stag in the air, filling the room throughout nevertheless perfect and very rewarding Yoga, meditation session, Heart Circle and other zen practices for three long hours. Then comes dinner as a group in a vegetarian restaurant.

Today was one of these special days. Fortunately, coinciding with my husband being out of town for the whole weekend. Before long, it was clear to everybody who would stay with who by the time dinner was over--some of them left in pairs immediately after we left the Yoga center. My favourite Tantra partner was all affection and physical intimacy with another friend. Some others avoided the swoosh by fleeing home. I was paired by chance with an old flirt, who happened to be in a bad moment: fresh split-up, resentment against his ex, high expectations, excessive focus on his emotional wounds, lack of trust in men in general.

I have this theory that Mr. Right is definetely not the right guy, but the right moment. My guy for tonight was in the wrong one. And as the others all came home accompanied, I came all by myself. He did, too.

I just didn't want to miss another moment and not post this here. I still hope I may be back to blogging.

Fluidity

Beth Nielsen Chapman had it totally right in her singing: solid rocks are made of sand and water. Sand and water, and a million years gone by.

Time has the power to harden things, even things whose (healthy) nature aren't hard. Like ideas. Or relationships. But most especially, feelings. And I've been allowing myself to harbour too many of these watery creatures turned to icy stone over a long time without movement, expression or connection. Or even the warm light of a compassionate consciousness.

Almost three years later, I'm still trying to sort through my feelings and understand all the changes that moving to Spain has produced in me. My relationships became so different that I had to transform at lightspeed to catch up with the new beat, and as a result I had to let go of many of my old relationships that otherwise could have survived in this Internet age. I've had gains, and I've learned a lot. Plus, things change, and people and situations come and go, so I'm perfectly fine with that. However, no one can truly change at lightspeed in a gentle process involving consciousness, compassion and true learning. So, in order to not miss this huge opportunity of living in what is in many ways a safer environment, I've shrunk and de-volved to an egg, emotionally. With all sorts of unsorted shit I absorbed in the impact and just collected involuntarily in order to not skip a single beat. I did hit the ground dancing.

Such a faraway landing without healthy roots in the point of departure creates an uncontrollable need for new relationships, especially in those of us with an existential gravity center in the Heart chakra. So, in order to connect, I've taken just too much shit from others: my new family, wannabe "friends" and professional relationships. We all do, but when you're still learning to get back on your feet, any extra weight is too demanding. Traditionally, my strategy in times of great difficulty, as I learned maybe a bit too late in life, but still on time to avoid greater damage, is to turn my awareness off, and switch to autopilot. That might do for many areas of one's life, but certainly not for the feelings. The emotional Self is always awake, and if not taken care of, or listened to, will become harder than its healthy nature allows it to.

Last Saturday I had my last class on an Assertiveness course that led me through three day-long Saturdays of discussion, role playing, analysis, cathartic dancing and deep reflection. I signed up because I wanted just not to let grumpy, arrogant old farts stomp on my head at work, and I came out with fresh understanding of my emotional reality, one I never really had, despite a whole adolescence as a psychology geek.

I live in a culture now where every human interaction is based on abuse. This is shocking to me everytime I admit it to myself, and this is nothing I could ever prepared myself to, ever. I still don't know how I am going to manage, but I'm clear now: as I grow older and expand my territory, I need more fluidity. For my vocal expression, for my identity and for my emotional being.

I am not going to bear with people's agressiveness and hipocrisy. Productive relationships do not require that.

And I'm ready to let go.

Image: "Waterfall", by tlindle.

Dedication

I've been working intensely with aligning my Triple Soul and letting go of complexes and blocks for the past seven years. Now, on Brighid, I resolve to embark on a further spiritual journey with Tantra. After reading and experiencing it with a couple of partners, I have decided that it is just what I need as the next natural step in my personal path, since it complements so well my desire to be fully possessed by my Godself and let my awareness merge with my spark of Divine Consciousness, and helps me completely merge my Aetheric Double with my Shining Egg, as true Ke Kino Wailua (the body of two waters).

I have begun practicing the Bhuta Shuddhi ritual this week. The name means "Purification of the Elements", and it is a core and advanced rite for the true Tantric adept. So far, I am still training myself to remember the elements, area and bija mantra of each chakra as I go up the ladder to pure consciousness and back to full-blown physicality again. Soon, I'll incorporate the corresponding senses and actions for each center, too, and finally visualise each chakra in its shape, symbol and colour. By then, when I climb all the way up to the Sit of Chit, I will have learned the true way to possession.

I have never ceased to be on a spiritual roll, not even when I was on an apparent hiatus. Each time I'm done with a stage, the new step miraculously shows up and invites me to climb. It is a good thing I haven't allowed money-hungry, retarded, confused losers exercise authority over my path.

On to the next stage now. All by my Self, and guided by Spirit.

30 vs 40

I've stopped blogging about Saturn's Return and the cycle with professional drama seems to be complete now, but lack of ripples doesn't mean the water is stagnant. Quite on the contrary, it means movement is reaching incredible depths and the water is unstoppable on its way. And being cunning means not only respecting the flow, but also joining the ride.

In less than two months I'm turning 30, and I'm married to a guy who turned 40 just a few months ago. Both ages are key points in a Western man's life, especially a Gay one, but they're radically different, and it's a tad bad idea to pretend they're not.

Thirty years is about helping define your generation. Here you begin to stack up personal merits, you are at the zenith of your personal drive and desire, and this is the turning point from growing up to consuming your living matter. A pagan youth and a yoga-trained awareness have helped me finish up my 20s in apparent perfect alignment with my natural cycle and connection to my Source. I am really living this moment now. Plus, I have a direction, and in reality nothing can stop me now.

The other half of what is supposed to be the equation is my man. He's been there, carried out the whole process, and now finally sits at his personal throne. He's probably not happy with what he got from life (otherwise he wouldn't act so consistently like he wasn't), but he's now living HIS moment of letting go of goals, and declining compromisations. Maybe the ten-year gap that separates him from me is the reason, but he realises his mortality now, probably more clearly than me, he knows that it will all pass, that life will be over one day and that's it's too short for long-term investments. Now He wants to have fun. Right now.

I understand that his approach and perspective is probably the one closest to enlightenment, but rushing enlightenment is one million times worse than sticking to ignorance. I understand, too, that I'm not either fully enlightened, nor pushing myself to be enlightened, nor in the spiritual dark. I am just in my moment. And my moment's very important to me because it is part of my dream, and my dream is me.

Today I tossed my both-eye-painted Daruma doll to the Madrilean lake. From a heart filled with gratitude I’ve let go of it by walking away from the water without looking back, as Brazilian spellcasting tradition has it. But I’m not ready to let go of who I am, and the wave I’m currently riding is part of my wholly Being.

Old Lore

This afternoon I decided to take a nap for vibrational purification, and had a very intense and initiatory dream I very disgracefully didn't record on my Book of Stars. However, I do remember waking up with this very old mantra in mind, a lovely song I learned from my first Yoga instructor 13 years ago, and never forgot:

Quero olhar-me em ti
Ó espelho cristalino do amor
E seguir teu caminho
Esquecer dos espinhos
E fazer muita gente feliz

Perdão se eu não posso seguir
Tudo aquilo que você me ensinou
Só te peço que faças de mim
Um instrumento de paz e de amor
Um instrumento de paz e de amor

It still shocks me that after all this years, this song/mantra is the only thing I've never ever been able to find on Google searches.

I began searching Orphism and Orphic Mysteries later in the evening. Might be related, might not.